38. What It’s Like as an Intentional Adoptive Parent
Ever since I’ve started sharing about our adoption journey, it seems like people have been really interested and have a lot of questions. This is a good thing! I am grateful that people care and want to learn more. I also am realizing that there are certain questions that just trigger something within me. Sometimes when people make ignorant comments, you just need to brush it off and accept that they don’t understand or see things the way you do. And that’s okay, we don’t all need to see eye to eye. But with this, I feel a responsibility to help educate people.
I’ve known since I was a teenager that I probably did not want to have biological kids. I’ve never not wanted kids; I’ve just never wanted to be pregnant or give birth. But for the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me for feeling this way. When I told someone older than me that I didn’t want biological kids, they’d say, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” When I told someone my age I wanted to only adopt, they said they’d consider adopting too…but they definitely wanted to have biological kids first. I began to feel this sense of shame about my desired path to build a family. I was embarrassed to talk about it. It wasn’t until I became connected to our adoption agency and, for the first time ever, met other women like me, that I started to feel proud of myself for knowing and doing what I wanted.
I also felt (and still feel) like people think what I’m doing is so noble and heroic. They say things like “Good for you, your kids will be so blessed to have you, you two are so amazing.” Which is very kind, of course. But it does make me feel a little icky. Because, truthfully, I am not adopting because I’m trying to be a hero. At one point I might have said that that’s why I was doing it because I was embarrassed about the real reason, but truthfully the real reason is that I simply do not have a desire to have biological kids. The idea of it terrifies me and always has. But also, I feel equipped to be an adoptive parent. It simply feels like something I was made to do. It’s something that, if I didn’t do, my life would feel incomplete. If I (God forbid) got pregnant, I would be really disappointed because I know that is not what I want. In my deepest of longings, I want to build a family through love and trust and bonding…not biology.
Because I’ve been preparing for this for years, I’ve noticed that adoptive parents seem to be forgotten about a lot. As most any newly engaged or newlywed woman can relate to, I couldn’t stand when I got engaged and people felt the need to ask when we planned to have kids. I mean, first of all, I was 23 years old when I got married. I was barely an adult myself, much less ready to be responsible for tiny human beings. And I already felt like I was way too young to be married, but thanks to us both working in the church Ryan and I felt like we had to get married so we could actually live together. And also, even reflecting back on this 7 years later, it was so offensive to be reduced to a uterus. As if that was my sole purpose in life now that I had committed to spending my life with my husband. And for the next few years, as many friends welcomed new babies into their families, it was inevitable that every time I held a baby, someone would say to me, “Oh, you look good! That suits you!”
But the thing is, not only was this offensive to me for the reasons I already listed, but also because there seemed to be this expectation from everyone that I would someday have biological children. Which I always knew I didn’t want. I knew my babies that I would adopt someday were either already in the world somewhere or would be born soon, and it just triggered something deep within me when someone would put this expectation on me to create and birth biological offspring.
As someone who’s intentionally chosen this route as my Plan A, not because I couldn’t conceive, it was a lonely world for several years. Throughout my 20s, my social media feeds were filled with pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, newborn photo shoots, monthly baby pics, and extravagant first birthday parties. Mom friends of mine would compare their pregnancies, birth stories, breastfeeding experiences, infant milestones, and best baby products, and I’d have nothing to contribute to these conversations. I couldn’t even store their advice for the future, because I knew my future wouldn’t involve these things. While I’m very happy for these friends and they absolutely can and should bond over these common experiences, I can’t lie and say that I’ve often struggled with insecurity that I would be considered “less of a mom” because I wouldn’t go through these things. And, as certain as I am about my family building path, I do feel sad that I won’t get to have these experiences with my kids. I do feel sad that I won’t get to hold them as soon as they’re born, or feed them their first solid foods, or watch them learn to walk, or get all the adorable baby smiles. The first year of a baby’s life is all about establishing a sense of trust, and I feel so jealous sometimes when I see a new mom connecting with her baby and creating that sense of safety (dads can bond and connect too, of course - this is just what I personally grieve as a future mom).
When you’re pregnant, you know pretty much exactly when your baby will arrive. You have a specified timeline to prepare, and you can plan your life around your delivery and when you’ll have a newborn. Adoptive parents can’t. We started our application process back in October and were approved in March, but now we have no idea what the rest of our year will look like. We had adoption showers a few weeks ago so we could start getting everything ready that we possibly could. But it’s possible we could set up our kids’ rooms and then have them sit empty for months or a year. Or it’s possible that they won’t be empty for long at all. We literally don’t know.
Not only do we not know timeline, but we also don’t yet know who our kids are. We’re going to be matched with two kids ages 0-8, but we don’t know specific ages or developmental levels or specific interests of the kids. We created a registry with our best guesses in mind, but it’s possible we could get matched with kids, learn about them, and end up exchanging a bunch of stuff. We don’t know our kids’ favorite colors or toys or movies. We don’t know what they’re obsessed with. We don’t even know if we’ll need a crib or diapers or formula. We’re assuming we won’t, as infants aren’t placed for adoption that often, but we really never know. We could get a match and have to run out and buy a whole bunch of stuff.
We also have to be really flexible with our schedules. We have two weddings this year. Ryan is in the groomsmen party for one, and for the other I’m in the bridal party and Ryan is officiating. If we were to get a match before either of these weddings happen, we might not be able to make it. Of course we’ll do everything in our power to be there, but we just can’t make any promises with how little we know at this point. Will our kids be settled enough with us to come to the weddings with us? Will they be ready to stay with a babysitter? Or will one of us just need to stay home with them? We have no idea yet. We also don’t know what holidays, vacations, other important events, will look like. We may be there or we may not be. We always want to be there, of course, but we will just have to do what is best for our family. Knowing that sacrifices on our part now are for the sake of building our kids’ trust in us, that we will have their backs and not drag them into unfamiliar situations before they’re ready.
When you have a baby, people visit you, bring you flowers and casseroles, and offer come over and help with whatever you need. With our kids, we won’t be having any visitors over for a while. Our kids will have been transplanted from one home to another multiple times already throughout their lives, and they’re now going to be coming to the home of complete strangers and told this is where they’ll stay forever. If our kids have already had many caregivers come and go throughout their lives, why would they trust us? They won’t, of course, not right away. And we certainly won’t overwhelm them by inviting people over to meet them until the kids are comfortable and ready for it. We probably won’t be taking too many pictures of them until they’re comfortable with us. Once we get matched, I’m sure we’ll announce something vague on social media like: “We’ve been matched with two girls, age 3 and 6.” But we likely won’t be able to share their names or pictures until the adoption is official.
I don’t say any of this for sympathy or pity - because, again, this is the path I’ve intentionally chosen and I don’t regret it for a second. But I do want to help increase understanding. I want adoptive parents to be remembered and empathized with. And I want kids who are adopted to be understood, but that’s a topic for another post.
If you do want to support our family when the time comes, we’ll appreciate gift cards for Target, Costco, Kroger, Aldi, Starbucks, or food. We’ll appreciate texts checking in on how we’re doing. We’ll appreciate you simply offering understanding that we are doing the best we can for our family and that we’re figuring it out as we go. Those are things I can definitely promise will be helpful at this time. I’m sure I’ll add more as time goes.
Because this is the path I have chosen, I feel like I am in a strong position to share and educate. While always respecting our kids’ privacy and best interests, of course. If you have further questions, please reach out, or if you want to share this information, please do. I will share more as we go.
