39. Social Anxiety and Medication

I have recently realized that I’ve struggled with social anxiety for years.

I didn’t recognize it for the longest time because I assumed that social anxiety only applied to people who were socially awkward, who didn’t like to be around people, who couldn’t speak up during a conversation. None of this applies to me. Of course I can be occasionally socially awkward, as we all can, but in general I’ve really prided myself on my social skills and on my outgoing-ness. I genuinely love social interactions and being around people. I’m not afraid of small talk. I’m generally not afraid to speak up when I want or need to. I would have considered myself incredibly socially comfortable, not socially anxious.

But I’ve struggled massively with insecurity about how I’ve come across to people. I’ve replayed conversations in my head, wondering how they interpreted that one thing I said or that one gesture I made. I’ve wondered if people thought I talked too much or not enough. I’ve wondered if I’ve talked about myself too much or not enough. I’ve wondered if I asked the other person enough questions or if I asked them too many questions. I’ve wondered if I appeared smart enough, humble enough, funny enough, or serious enough. I’ve adjusted my personality to be exactly what I thought the other person wanted.

When I worked for the church, I couldn’t avoid social situations - another reason why I never thought I struggled with social anxiety. I learned how to navigate many conversations with many people in a short amount of time. I learned how to ask someone all the right questions so they’d feel special. I knew what my role was, and when I could fulfill my role I felt secure. But when I left the church and went to grad school, I didn’t know exactly what my role was. As I settled in to my first semester, I found myself gravitating towards certain groups of people more than others, but I always wondered if other people thought I was being standoffish. While I loved the days we would meet for class, I also found them really overwhelming because there would be so many people having so many conversations and I never knew if I was engaging in the “right” conversations. When I started being able to go to church when I wanted to and not out of obligation for a job, I actually found myself not wanting to go sometimes because I felt anxious or insecure about seeing certain people. And there were those certain people that, every time I was around them, my mind would just go blank and I would drink way too much of whatever beverage I had with me just to have something to do with my hands.

I have another confession: I recently started taking a medication. It’s an SSRI, which stands for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, and helps increase the levels of serotonin in the brain. The medication I take is called Sertraline, which is a generic version of Zoloft, and is approved to treat depression, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, social anxiety disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I’ve been taking this medication for about 3 weeks, and I can’t even tell you what a difference I’ve noticed in my social anxiety since then. It was actually taking this medication that helped me realize how much anxiety I had been experiencing before. I’d gotten so used to it being there constantly that I really didn’t notice it.

But since the medication has begun taking effect, I’ve noticed myself entering into social situations with a presence I didn’t have before. I no longer live completely in my head during and after these interactions, but I’m able to just be in the space I’m in. If I do say something that might have led to spiraling before, I’ve been able to recognize it and genuinely believe that the other person probably didn’t notice it or care, and then let the thought go. I’ve been able to simply do what I want to do and say as much or little as I want to say, instead of feeling obligated to keep talking or push the conversation in a certain direction or come across a certain way in order to earn the person’s approval. In other words, I’ve felt so much freer than I’ve ever felt. So much. It has been simply incredible.

In addition to helping with the social anxiety, the medication has also helped me to be free from the constant self-criticism, shame, and fear that I was feeling in my day to day. I’ve been able to notice thoughts that would have been crippling before, that now can pass by without taking energy from me. I’ve been able to experience more regular joy and optimism than I really ever have. I haven’t experienced feeling good one day followed by an unpredictable and severe downward spike the next. Of course I’ve still had times when I felt sad, anxious, or insecure, but they’ve been so much less debilitating and all-encompassing than they used to be. It’s truly amazing.

I never would have imagined myself as someone to take anxiety medication. I’ve prided myself on being able to soldier through challenges and on appearing extremely competent and self-sufficient all the time. But I had been working so hard for years to try to overcome these patterns that were keeping me stuck, and while I’ve definitely noticed much growth, I’ve also had these same patterns that kept coming back no matter how much self-reflection or coping skills or therapy I engaged in. Eventually, I just had to accept that I needed a little more help. I needed an invitation to not try so hard, all the time. And I’m so incredibly grateful. I still need to take care of myself, of course. I don’t think medication by itself is ever the answer, and I believe part of why it’s been so helpful for me is because I’d already done so much work over the years. But I am amazed at the way it has given me the freedom to simply enjoy my life. No constant, exhausting effort required.

This is hard and vulnerable for me to share, but I believe people need to hear more stories like this. I don’t know who will read this, but I hope that it can help you or someone you love.