59. The Waiting
Today is June 6, 2022. We were matched with our kids on April 29, 2022. It’s been about 38 days since knowing that our two beautiful girls will be ours forever. We’ve spent the last month+ being so excited and falling more deeply in love with our girls every day. We’ve spent hours staring at the few pictures we have, imagining what their voices will sound like and their personalities will be like. We’ve imagined the outings we’ll take and the movies we’ll snuggle to on the couch. We’ve imagined tucking them into bed, reading stories, singing songs. We’ve imagined loving them through meltdowns, helping them process big feelings, watching them grow in their understandings of themselves and the world every day. We’ve imagined the games we’ll play, the art we’ll create, the silly things we’ll do.
We’ve walked through Target and Costco, imagining all the things we’ll eventually buy them. We’ve walked past their elementary school imagining them playing on the playground, making friends, and learning so many things. We’ve talked to friends with young kids imagining the play dates and family outings we’ll have. We’ve gone to local parks imagining having our girls with us.
Literally every part of our lives, we picture what it will be like to have our precious daughters with us.
And yet, we’ve never met them. We’ve never heard their voices or seen them in action. We have a handful of pictures. We’ve had conversations with their wonderful foster mom. But we haven’t yet experienced being in the presence of these two little girls we love so much.
It is absolutely crazy how much I love them. They are my children. There’s literally not a question about it. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I know there will be sleepless nights, sickness, tantrums and meltdowns, screaming, throwing things and flipping over chairs, resistance over schoolwork, protests over the tiniest things. But all of it will be ways my beauties are learning to express themselves and get their needs met. All of it will be them figuring out who they are. We’ll work together on using our words and handling our feelings and asking with respect. I have no doubt that we’ll get where we need to go, and that we’ll become so close in the process. As I picture it all, I just can’t wait to navigate all of it with them. I can’t wait to help them learn, grow, and thrive. They deserve it with every fiber of their being, and I am going to do everything I can to give them everything they deserve.
But for now, we’re still waiting. I know it hasn’t been that long. In fact, we were matched with our girls only 6 weeks after becoming approved adoptive parents. That’s insanely quick. I know, in comparison to others going through the process, we’ve been waiting for no time at all. We are so grateful for that, but it’s still hard. When we know who our babies are, every second we spend away from them is time we’ll never get back. Which is why, once we can finally meet them, we’re going to do everything we can to be fully present in every moment we can. I just dream of soaking up everything I can with our girls. I don’t care what grades they get, as long as they feel good about themselves. I don’t care what activities they participate in, as long as they know who they are and feel a sense of thriving. I just want to be fully present with them so I can see all of this unfold. I just want to know them, every little thing about them. I want to spend the limited years I have with them with no regrets whatsoever.
So, these are the things I dream about during the waiting. We don’t know when we’ll meet them or when they’ll come home. We’re just taking it all day by day while all the legal stuff grinds along. Every day of waiting sucks and feels surreal in a way. It feels like our girls aren’t really ours even though I know they are. I show off their pictures to anyone I meet, but I don’t post them to social media even though I would love to. I don’t even text their pictures to anyone outside of our families, at least not yet. I want to tell everyone everything I know about them, even though it’s not my place to share everything I know about them. It’s an odd balance, but their well-being and safety and sense of trust in us is my absolute highest priority. I never want to do anything that will compromise that for them. So, for now, it’s a lot of waiting. A lot of patience. A lot of trust and accepting what is out of my control, and just having pictures and anticipation to comfort me. A lot of going about my normal day-to-day knowing everything could change at any time once we get the word that the paperwork has been processed. A lot of just enjoying whatever is in front of me and being excited about all that is to come.
How have I been coping with the waiting and the unknown? Social support. Having fun. Anxiety medication. Therapy. Keeping a sense of normalcy in routines. Exercising. Faith. Reflecting on how God has been present all along. Going into the girls’ room to admire how cute it is and imagine them living in it. Staring at the backyard imagining shouts and laughter and little feet running all over. Being excited about the future but holding plans loosely.
Today, we’re still waiting. Tomorrow, everything could change. It probably won’t yet. But you never know. But I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and living.
