58. No Bullshit
Over the last several years, I’ve had more jobs than I can name. I’ve had more ideas for opportunities than I can name. I’ve had more opportunities that looked like they were going to work out and then fell through than I can name. Through all of it, I’ve had to learn to be resilient. I’ve had to learn to be excited and invested, but also be flexible as plans changed. I’ve put my heart on the line and gotten crushed. I’ve protected my heart and regretted not being more open. I’ve made “responsible” decisions that I knew in my heart I didn’t want. I’ve made “less responsible” decisions that my heart wanted, but my head was extremely slow to agree.
Through all of it, I’ve learned many things. And here’s just one of those things: I’m not down for bullshit.
Don’t try to sugar coat things. Don’t avoid honest conversation. Just tell me what you need to say. I have been more resilient than I knew possible over these years, and I know that I can ride waves of disappointment and excitement and rejection and hurt. But waves are a lot harder to ride if I don’t know they’re there until they’re crashing over my head.
This is what it’s like when you bullshit someone. When you withhold information because you don’t want to hurt them, you’re not protecting them or making the situation any better. You’re just delaying the inevitable truth, and then the person will be even more hurt that you weren’t honest with them. People can deal with disappointment. We’re made to deal with disappointment. But there’s no substitute for honest, mutual, supportive relationships. Those are a core human need. When you aren’t honest, you may think you’re protecting someone, but you’re really damaging the trust that person has in you. You’re leading the person to lose respect for you. You’re showing that you don’t have their back and don’t care for them as much as they thought you did, because they trusted you to respect them and you’re letting them down.
Don’t bullshit someone you care for. When you have to give someone news they won’t be happy about, just take a deep breath and remind yourself that this person deserves to know the truth. Remind yourself that if they’re upset, it’s a natural and normal reaction, but they’ll move through it and be grateful for how you respected them enough to be honest. If you lie, sugar coat, avoid the truth, avoid bringing bad news, they’re going to find out eventually, and then they’ll be upset with you for not telling them sooner. Don’t do this to yourself, the person you care for, or your relationship.
Do you need to tell a person every little thing on your mind? Of course not. But ask yourself if the thing that’s hanging in the air between you is something that the person may be upset if they didn’t know. Or ask them if it’s something they’d be upset if they didn’t hear from you. Perhaps it’s something that they would be better off hearing from someone else, not you, and it’s not your place to say something. That’s okay. You don’t have to put yourself in the middle of something that isn’t yours to be in the middle of. But if you are the person that should deliver the unfortunate or disappointing news, just do it. Directly, specifically, and kindly. They may be upset in the moment, but they’ll be grateful you respected them and your relationship will be better because of it.
Don’t bullshit people. Just don’t do it. It’s not worth it. They don’t have time for it. You don’t have time for it. Just be honest and move on with your lives.
