Vulnerability

Guys…I suck at vulnerability.

I just learned this in therapy.

I knew I wasn’t good at vulnerability, but I didn’t realize how horrendous I was at it until just now.

If you know me, you may think I come across as so put together. Did you know I thought I didn’t come across this way? Did you know I thought I was open about my struggles? Yeah, the truth is that I try to be open about my struggles…but I do so in a way that feels safe and doesn’t make me look too bad. Or too needy. Or like a failure. Or embarrassing. I share stories of tough times, but I share them after the fact - after I’ve already felt all the difficult feelings and come up with solutions and things are better now. I pretty much never reach out during the midst of a crisis.

If you’ve been to my house, you may notice how cute, cozy, and put together it typically is. This isn’t an accident. Yes, I do like my home to feel cute and cozy on the daily, but when people come over, I make the extra effort to light just the right scented candles, put on just the right music, create just the right vibe to make everyone go, “Wow! This place is so cool!” Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. But I’ll be honest, if I come to your house and it’s not cute, cozy, and welcoming like I try to make mine, I use it as motivation to make mine EXTRA perfect when you come over. I need to feel superior in that way.

If you see my kids, you might notice how adorable and put together their outfits are. I do this on purpose too. I know my children have behavior challenges and I know they’re unique people with their own individual style. I try to put together wardrobes for them that match their personalities and style, but I am also very particular about what I get for them. When they were in foster care, they typically wore whatever hand-me-downs came their way, often outdated and mismatching and not at all representative of the girls’ personalities. I go out of my way to prove I will NOT do that, I will NOT dress my kids in ugly clothes, and no matter what behavior issues they may have, they will at least look adorable while having them.

I desperately want to be heard, connected with, and cared for, but I’m terrified of people knowing that. I’m terrified of coming across as needy, annoying, weak, dramatic, or clingy. I’m terrified of judgment and rejection, so I work so hard to cultivate a perfect image that no one could ever judge, and I maintain emotional distance so I can never be rejected. I’ve felt emotionally lonely for a lot of my life, but I surround myself with as many friends and external measures of success as I can so no one will think I’m a loser. When I spend time with you, I try to be so present and so engaged and interested in what you’re saying so you’ll want to spend time with me again, but on the inside I really want to share myself with you but am terrified of being too vulnerable and being rejected.

I am going to work on this. I am going to try to be more vulnerable. I am going to tell myself that if you like me and are my friend in my perfect, put-together state, you will still like me when I’m my authentic self. I’m putting this out there so I can’t forget it.

This is one of the most vulnerable things I’ve written and it’s terrifying. I’m really afraid of being judged. But I want to break this cycle, I want to live differently. I want to be seen and known for who I really am.