Four Months

Today, December 30, 2022, is four months since the girls were officially placed with us. I have so much on my mind and heart that I need to get off today, and it just so happens to fall on this anniversary date.

I’m frustrated that it will still be a minimum of two months before adoption can be finalized. I understand why, and yet it is so frustrating. Ohio law requires kids to be in placement with their adoptive family for at least six months before adoption can take place. I understand this law and why it’s in place, and I don’t have a problem with the law itself. I have a problem with the way our own agency and our own case worker have treated us throughout the process. Every little thing we’ve done, it seems, has been treated with suspicion. We want to discuss transitioning our daughter off the heavy sedatives that make her miss out on life? Suspicion. We don’t want to immediately start them in therapy so we can get to know them first and make the best choice for what they need? Suspicion. Our daughter’s school calls us and asks for a meeting to let us know that her current school placement isn’t meeting her needs and to provide recommendations for a different path forward? Suspicion. We provide literal quotes of what our girls have said, done, and asked for? Suspicion. Every little thing has been a battle with the people that we assumed would support us the most. I have been so drained from our meetings, our home visits, and having to over-explain and over-justify why we feel the way we do about what our girls need, that I have so little left for actually connecting with my children. And it’s still going to be, at minimum, another two months of this. We don’t yet have a date for adoption, so that adds to my anxiety - what if they find reasons to push it back? The silver lining is that the girls’ case worker from their county has been totally supportive and on board with us and our decisions as a family, and I know she’s ready for this adoption to be finalized as much as we are. I can’t express how thankful I am for this, since she’s the one who really has all the decision-making power. So for now, we just keep going along day by day knowing this season of powerlessness is temporary. Feels so long, but is temporary.

I’ve struggled so much with my identity as a mom. The girls’ foster mom, who they were with for almost 3 years, played the traditional mom role. She stayed home and was the primary caregiver while the husband worked long hours and wasn’t that involved in the day-to-day parenting. If this worked for their family, that’s fine, but this is not me. However, it does feel like the girls have different expectations of me versus Ryan. Even Ryan has noticed and pointed out that they give me a harder time than they give him, in that when I’m home, it’s impossible for me to sit down and relax. They whine more with me, are clingier with me, want me more than him when they’re feeling big emotions. When I’m in a healthy place, I’m able to be present, patient, and empathetic to their needs. But when I’m drained, overstimulated, and haven’t had any time to myself, I just want to run away - and sometimes I do. I jump at the chance to run errands or take care of things around the house that don’t involve direct contact with the girls. In those moments, it’s almost impossible to access the imaginative, playful part of my brain that allows me to connect with them. And then I spend my time “away” feeling so guilty that I’m not around, that I’m not connecting, and that I’m leaving Ryan to take care of everything, that I’m not recharged and ready to jump back in when I get home. Not to mention, running errands and doing other things around the house is still draining in its own way. I’m still tired and want to sit down and chill after those things. Which then perpetuates the cycle of guilt, as I’m spending my energy doing (necessary) things that aren’t connecting with the girls, and Ryan is home building those bonds (or so it feels).

I know there are dads out there who are very involved and very much share the parenting load with their partner, or even handle the majority of it. But I can’t help but notice that the bar is typically far lower for dads than for moms. A dad who comes home from work and plays with the kids, helps with baths, and reads bedtime stories is given a medal for Dad of the Year. And I have a husband who does all of that and so much more. He is perfectly content to stay home - always has been - while I need to get out of the house to clear my head. While he’s home, he takes care of getting snacks, cleaning up bathroom accidents, handling meltdowns, breaking up fights, doing the bedtime routine. And he is able to sit in the same room with the girls and work on his laptop or watch something on his phone while they do their thing. That does not happen for me. When I’m there, they are all over me. I can not sit down and chill like he can. I can’t get work done. Even when I take care of the day-to-day tasks as much as he does, it still is not enough - the girls still will want more from me. I appreciate that they want to be around me so much, but it is so exhausting. I’ve always been prone to feeling guilty for not being able to handle absolutely everything, or feeling like I “should” be doing more, and parenting these kiddos absolutely slams on these buttons over and over and over. When I leave the house, I don’t even say goodbye to the girls because I know they will start clinging and begging me not to go. I also feel this guilt that my husband handles so much, even though there are dads everywhere who work while mom stays home all day, every day, and why is it fair that I have to carry this guilt around?

I’ll be honest, this Christmas break has been rough. Our house is extremely, extremely loud. It’s full of big emotions, sister fights, messes and meltdowns. The girls have been pushing each other’s buttons so much that one-on-one defense has been necessary much of the time. This means I’ve spent a lot of quality time with one daughter but not the other, as Ryan and I have figured out that we each naturally can parent one child better than the other and have been sticking with what seems to work best. However, the other child asked me to play with her yesterday while I was in the middle of de-cluttering and getting rid of stuff, a job that’s super important for my mental sanity, and I told her I couldn’t play because I was taking care of stuff around the house. This triggered a brief meltdown, but she moved on fairly quickly. But later that night, she made a comment about how I never play with her and that I only pretend to care about her. While we both know how untrue these statements are, I will admit that these comments have not left my head since she said them. This morning, I had to leave the house for an allergy shot and to go to the pet store to get stuff to stop our cat from pooping outside the litter box (which has been a daily occurrence since we became a 4-cat household last week). While I was out, I also decided to take advantage of the opportunity to finish some case notes AND take a little quiet time to reconnect with myself. I have been gone for about two hours now, and I feel so guilty, yet I KNOW that I need this time away as much as I need air to breathe. However, I do worry what attitudes and excessive clinginess might await me when I get home. If I’m being honest, the things I genuinely have to do could take me a good part of the day today. And I typically spend so much of it trapped in my guilt and worry about what the effects of my being away will be when I get home.

I have all these cliches in my head: Enjoy it all because they’re only young for so long. The messes can wait; the memories are what’s most important. But honestly, this doesn’t work for me. And I don’t think it works for them, either. My girls have so many needs now, but I can also see their futures. One of them is a born leader, and once she discovers her own confidence, she’ll be unstoppable. The other is a super problem solver, and she could very well invent something one day that will change the world. These girls deserve a mom who sets the example of being a woman who knows who she is and what she needs. My example will teach them to be confident in who they are, go for what they want, and be connected to what they need. It is the hardest thing in the world right now because I know they don’t understand. But honestly, I’m not the type of mom who enjoys taking care of the day-to-day needs. Getting snacks, cleaning up accidents, bandaging cuts, brushing teeth, getting dressed, getting shoes on - it truly exhausts me. It doesn’t feel like me. But I can’t wait for when the girls are old enough to have deeper conversations, when I can walk with them through their teenage heartbreaks and friend dramas and discovering their sense of self and following their dreams. Those are the days I believe I will thrive as a parent, and I’m beginning to try to accept that. For now though, it is tough to find the balance of being present enough to keep nurturing these bonds and help the girls feel cared for, while also giving myself what I need.

I’ve written before about how people thrive the most when they are their most genuine self. This is definitely a big growth area for me as a parent, and it’s so hard because the day-to-day needs definitely aren’t going away anytime soon. I am working on trusting that Ryan is okay taking on the heavier lifting with these things now, and knowing that I will be in my element as the girls get older. It is definitely not easy. My growth in this may involve upping my anxiety medication, increasing the frequency of therapy sessions, and increasing my work hours so I have less space in my life to feel guilty. I have actually loved my work lately, which is something I haven’t been able to say in YEARS. Ryan has noticed that when I call him from work, I have confidence in my voice that I don’t have at home. I am loving my therapist work these days, and I do need that energy to be the best mom I can be in this season. Once again, it is so so so tough that my girls can’t understand this yet, but I have to be confident that someday they will.