53. Listening and Learning

If you’ve been on social media any time over the last week, you have likely seen something (or a lot of somethings) on the topic of women’s rights and abortion. Obviously, this is a topic that is very, very personal to many people. People almost never seem ambiguous about this issue; they’re often strongly on one side or the other. Personally, I don’t think I could ever have an abortion unless my life or the baby’s were in danger. But I don’t think it’s the job of anyone else - especially men, who will never understand what a woman goes through - to control what women can and can’t do with their own bodies. I am not here to argue my side, but I do feel like I need to be honest about where I stand.

Here’s what I am here to do: to say that, societally, the way we discuss these divisive issues doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere. Have you been part of a conversation where everyone believes the same thing, and it turns into nothing more than a bitchfest about how terrible the world is and how awful people are? Or conversations that just seem to be a replay of the same scripts, over and over and over, and everyone gets fired up throughout the conversation but in the end you know nothing has been accomplished?

And I’m sure we don’t even need to get started about social media, but I’ll do it anyway. This entire week, I kept seeing posts that I thought about sharing. But every time, I thought, “This is pointless. It’s literally going to change no one’s mind. It’s just going to get “likes” from the same people that I already know agree with this, and comments from others that are interested in starting a social media war.”

There’s a post that’s been shared many times listing the names of women who have had abortions for many different reasons. Some of which because the mother’s life was in danger, some because the baby would be born without essential organs and wouldn’t survive (and would suffer until death), some because they were impregnated by rape or incest or an abusive partner, some because the mother had no resources and no support to care for the child, one even because they had accidentally used a broken condom. Of anything that could have been posted on social media, I thought this one could actually have potential to change some minds, as it showed specific stories that disprove common assumptions about why people abort. But then, someone else shared a version of this post, but instead of naming the reasons why these women had gotten abortions, it simply said, “I support ____, whose reasons for ending her pregnancy are none of your business,” with each woman’s name filling in the blank, over and over and over.

This. This is why we don’t make progress. This kind of communication right there.

If someone sees abortion as murder, point-blank, then seeing a post like this is not helpful at all. It’s just going to feed into the misinformation that people are out there cavalierly slaughtering babies, no problem whatsoever. And let’s be honest, when someone says, “It’s none of your business,” to you, do you just say, “Okay, great!’ and walk away? Of course not. You get defensive. You think that person is rude and insensitive. You make no progress to better your relationship.

When we discuss divisive issues with people who disagree with us, we have to be sensitive and empathetic if we want to make any progress. We have to assume that the other person has genuinely good reasons for believing what they do. We have to set aside our own pride and seek to learn and understand. We have to assume that, at the core, we have more in common than our political or religious labels would have us believe.

When it comes to abortion, here’s the bottom line: in general, the vast, vast majority of people would agree that fewer abortions is better. Would absolutely no abortions be ideal? Of course. But it’s not realistic. It’s simply not. Whether or not abortion is legal, people will still have them. But more women may die or become severely injured in the process. More babies may not actually die, but will be born with severe defects and live very difficult lives. Many doctors who are living out their moral codes may be fined, lose their medical licenses, or even be imprisoned for carrying out abortions illegally.

I think we waste so much time arguing over whether or not abortion should be legal, when we could be accomplishing such more important things. Because, if we accept that people will have abortions whether legal or not, we can work to de-incentivize getting abortions by making sure women and children have access to quality and affordable healthcare. We can make sure moms who need or want to work can have good-paying jobs that offer paid parental leave so moms can bond with their babies and adjust to their new challenges. We can make sure working moms have access to safe, quality, and affordable daycare. We can work to make inner-city schools safer and increase the quality of kids’ education by hiring more teachers, paying them fairly, and giving them the support and resources they need to succeed. We can be proactive by teaching safe sex methods in school and in organizations like Planned Parenthood, and making birth control and condoms free. Do I think kids should be having sex in high school? No. But I know how hormones work, and I’d rather them know how to have safe sex than simply be told to practice “abstinence only” and then have accidental pregnancies or STD transmission because they were uninformed. We can not stop people from having sex, so if they’re going to anyway, let’s make it easier to have safe sex.

Abortion is a symptom, not the disease. If you’ve been struggling with anxiety for years, you can go to a doctor and get a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication. But if you don’t also go to counseling, have a solid support system, have a sense of purpose, take care of your physical health, and have good coping skills, the root issues are not going to change. Making abortion illegal will not solve the much, much greater problems plaguing our country.

I am in the process of adopting two beautiful little girls who have spent several years of their lives in the foster system after their biological parents could not care for them. I am a mental health therapist who has worked with clients who have suffered physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, witnessed domestic violence in their homes, become parents as teens, grew up in houses that doubled as a drug deal sites. We do not solve these problems by forcing women to bear children that they aren’t equipped to care for. We have way more important things to do and talk about.

Liberals, don’t waste your time and energy complaining to like-minded people. Find a person who believes differently than you and genuinely hear their side. Find out why this issue is so important to them. Help educate them on why you are passionate about your side. But be kind. Assume they want the best. Assume your hearts are in the same place. Otherwise, we accomplish nothing. We will not move forward if we can not communicate. We can not solve problems without relationships, and we can not have relationships without empathy and understanding. Sometimes, you need to extend it to others before they will extend it to you. Sometimes, just the fact that you listen to them will lower their defenses and you can communicate more productively. Please do your best to get out of your own way. You are not accomplishing anything by pushing others to see things as you do. You accomplish change by extending a listening ear and an open heart.

I am not saying you need to agree with someone’s side that you disagree with. You just need to meet them where they’re at. Arguing and debating will just push everyone further into their own corners. Instead, we need to move towards each other and move forward together.

The world isn’t terrible. People aren’t awful. At the core, humanity is good. But we’re wounded. We’re not good at humility and vulnerability. We overcompensate for insecurity with arrogance. But we can become better at this. Start by being the example.