62. There is Always More

Y’all. Life is so unpredictable. Plans change. Nothing is set in stone. We’re all just figuring it out one step at a time.

Need more cliches? I’m sure I can go on. But seriously, I’ve never understood all of this more than I am understanding it now.

When I was in grad school, I was so anxious so much of the time. I had this idea in my mind that I needed to figure out what my “career plan” was, and stick to it once I started it. I was in counseling school, but I had kind of stumbled into it after months of not really knowing what I wanted to do next. But now that I was investing years into this education, not to mention tens of thousands of dollars, I thought I had no choice but to stick it out and commit to being in this field forever.

I mean, I guess I knew I didn’t have to stick in this field. I knew I still had choices and could make changes. But I was so tired of not knowing, so tired of the ambiguity, longing so deeply for stability and predictability. The last thing I ever wanted was to have to make a change again. To feel like a “loser” again for not knowing what my career path was.

But fast forward to a year after graduating. In one year, I’ve already tried so many different things. I’ve learned so much and I’ve never felt more alive.

I accepted an internship offer hoping I’d stay there for about 3 years, minimum. I had a plan. I was going to complete my internship and graduate, then stay on for another two years until I obtained my independent license. Reality: I did complete my internship and graduate, but barely. I was so fucking burned out, I had to leave the minute I could. I left and moved into a private practice, hoping this would be the place I could stay for two years until I got my independent license. I lasted 4 months. It was a toxic culture, and the pay was horrible for a private practice (which I didn’t know until after I left and started comparing it to new opportunities). I loved my clients, but my anxiety was sky-high.

I left for another job that I thought would be my answer, but I lasted there two days. I tried committing to writing, but I was consumed by self-doubt and insecurity. I attempted to start working for another private practice but then things moved forward with our adoption and I simply couldn’t carry both at the same time. I chose to commit to my writing for a while, but I continued to be plagued by self-doubt and insecurity. I managed to find a rhythm (aided by getting a long-needed prescription for an anxiety medication), and I finally managed to find some joy. I loved creating resources for people and making mental health care affordable and accessible. I didn’t know if I’d ever return to clinical practice. Then some circumstances shifted and I decided to look into the possibility of returning to clinical practice on a super-part-time basis while continuing to write.

For so much of the time, I’ve felt insecure and doubted myself and my choices. But as I’ve been meeting with some practice owners to discuss the possibility of taking on a small case load, I’ve felt amazingly empowered by sharing my own story. I’ve felt amazingly empowered knowing who I am and where I’ve been. I’ve felt amazingly empowered being able to say, “Here’s my story and what I’ve learned. Here’s my life and what I value. Here’s what I need out of my work right now. Can we do this together?” I have an idea of what I’m looking for, but I’m also open to following my heart as I learn new information. I have a plan and I’m flexible. But I know what I’m flexible for and what I’m not flexible for. I know what’s most important to me and what I’m not willing to sacrifice. And I know what my heart values and what creative options there are for fulfilling the desires of my heart.

I used to get massive anxiety when I heard about someone getting sick or dying. I felt such pressure to figure my life out and make it count for everything it possibly could, that I didn’t have time to get sick or die. I still don’t; I obviously still have so much I want to do and so much life I want to live. But I also have been seeing that life is filled with joy and opportunity. If I got sick, that would be tragic, but I hope I’d be resilient knowing I’ve experienced so much joy. I hope I’d be resilient knowing I could still live to the fullest however I could, and that nothing is guaranteed but there is always joy to be had. (Full transparency: my anxiety has elevated just writing that…superstitions are kicking in and being like, “You can’t say that; now you’ll definitely get sick!”)

Rob Bell talks about “thread” and “setup.” The “thread” is the thing that is part of you, the passion that has always been there, the parts of you that come alive. The “setup” is an ever-changing way that this thread manifests in your daily living. So often, we rigidly focus on the setup - we have to commit to this job, this place to live, this relationship, this opportunity. Sometimes, that setup may last forever. But most often, the setup changes. But the thread remains. The joy comes when we know ourselves and our “thread” and seek to follow that instead of the “setup.”

There is always more opportunity. There is always more joy. There is always more life. Everywhere. The universe continues to grow and expand. God continues to be present and loving and giving. Life continues to grow. Love continues to multiply. Never forget this. Never think that this is all there is. Never get so stuck on one thing that you lose touch with all of the abundance life has to offer. May you be filled with joy, my friend. May you know that life and abundance are always there for you, more and more than you can possibly imagine.