61. Adoption Myths and Misconceptions, Part 1
Adoption myths and misconceptions! Part 1. I don’t have a Part 2 yet, but I can only assume I will.
As with anything, there are so many misunderstandings about adoption. Since going through the process, I have been pleasantly surprised to learn how many people are genuinely curious and interested in how it all works. Yes, people ask ignorant questions, but it’s most often from a good place. When these questions happen, I am almost always happy for the opportunity to help educate. People are usually very receptive to the information and adjust their language and assumptions accordingly.
Of course, there are those comments and questions that do get under my skin. Once again, I know that most of the time, people mean no harm. They just don’t know. This is why I am happy to take this opportunity to address these common misconceptions and misunderstandings and help educate.
With that said, let’s jump into some of those myths!
#1. “The kids are so lucky to have you.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this so far! I know people mean very well, and I appreciate the sentiment. I know that when people say this, they mean it as a compliment to Ryan and me and not an implication to the kids. But generally, this phrase should be avoided. Because the kids in our care, along with all other children who’ve been adopted, have been through trauma. Even if they were adopted as an infant, simply being separated from your biological family and having to adjust to a new life with strangers in an unfamiliar environment is traumatic. Not to mention whatever circumstances led them to be separated from their biological families to begin with, of course. Are the kids lucky to have gotten out of difficult circumstances? Are they lucky to be with a nurturing family now? Yes, perhaps. But it’s not anyone’s place to say this for the kids. It’s a very double-edged statement, because they never should have been in these circumstances to begin with.
What are some better phrases to say if you just want to compliment the parents?
“I can’t wait to see how well you love your kids/I love seeing how well you love your kids.”
“I’m sure your kids (will) feel so loved and cared for by you.”
“Your family is (will be) so beautiful.”
“I’m so excited for your journey/I’m so happy for your family.”
“You are (will be) wonderful parents.”
#2. “It’s a good thing you’re getting them so young, before they have time to develop serious issues.”
People seem to assume that the younger you adopt a child, the less chance there will be that they’ll have “lasting issues.” But this simply isn’t true. Trauma is trauma is trauma, no matter the age at which it occurred. Even in the mildest of scenarios, perhaps an unplanned pregnancy by a birth mom who simply isn’t ready or not wanting to be a mom, who manages her diet and stress levels properly while pregnant and places the perfectly healthy baby for adoption with a loving and nurturing family - even that baby has experienced a trauma. For nine months, that baby grew inside of their mother and learned the sounds of her voice and became familiar with her movements and rhythms. After birth, she is taken away from all that is familiar and placed with complete strangers. Of course she’ll adjust, but parents have to be sensitive and attentive to this. And as the child grows up, she may struggle with wondering why her birth mom didn’t want her, with having a mixed sense of identity, with unanswered questions about where she came from.
And this is the mildest of scenarios. Many children placed for adoption, very tragically, have experienced difficult circumstances for a long time before being separated from their birth family. Imagine adopting a 2-year-old whose parents never read to her, left her in soiled diapers for hours, ignored her cries, fed her inconsistently, never cuddled her, left her alone in her crib while screaming at each other in the next room. Do you think this child won’t have ongoing challenges just because she was so young when adopted? Absolutely not. In fact, she may even struggle more than a child who was older when their trauma occurred, because the older child can remember what happened and has words to process it. The toddler won’t remember anything about what happened and doesn’t have any words to describe how the experience felt. As a baby, she just knew that couldn’t care for her own needs, but when she cried for help, no one came for her. She didn’t have the cognitive or emotional stimulation that comes from adults holding her, talking to her, reading to her, mirroring her facial expressions. She didn’t develop the strength or coordination that comes from being held upright or placed on her tummy.
It’s true, the older the child you adopt, the greater quantity of trauma they may have experienced. And the more some harmful ingrained beliefs may have been reinforced over time. But the great news for adopting older children, is that they’re also incredibly resilient. They’re capable of having conversations and building relationships with you and building connections with others. You get to see them learn and grow before your eyes. You get to give them amazing experiences that they might have never had before. You get to talk to them about what they’ve been through and be their safe place. You get to be the family they deserve.
THE GOOD NEWS: All of this is repairable. All of it. New developments in neuroscience have shown that the brain is constantly capable of growing and changing, no matter the age of the child or adult. It just takes patience, love, empathy, and proper resourcing and reinforcement over time. No matter what traumas a child has experienced, they have hope to live a normal, high functioning, happy life. It won’t just happen without proper education and parenting. But it can and will happen with those things in place.
Some amazing resources just to name a few:
The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis et. al
The Connected Parent by Dr. Karyn Purvis et. al
The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
No-Drama Discipline by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck et. al
Trust-based relational intervention (TBRI): Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (tcu.edu)
#3: You shouldn’t do open adoptions because the biological family will try to take them/the kids won’t attach to you.
If you’ve read the book or watched the Hulu show Little Fires Everywhere, this may be the assumption that people have about biological parents. SPOILER ALERT: In the story, a young single immigrant mother leaves her 2-month-old (May Ling) at a fire station out of desperation when she doesn’t have the money or resources to care for her. Children’s services places the Chinese baby with a white couple (the McCulloughs) that has been waiting to adopt for years. Shortly after leaving her, the baby’s mother (Bebe) wants her baby back, but is told she terminated her rights when she abandoned the baby. Several months later, she learns through a co-worker where her baby is, and learns that the baby’s adoption is close to being finalized. She shows up at the McCulloughs’ house and attempts to talk to them, but the adoptive mother slams the door in her face and refuses to engage. The situation becomes highlighted in the news, and a lawyer provides free representation to help the Bebe attempt to regain custody. Eventually, the judge determines that the baby will stay with the McCulloughs and that Bebe will have no further access to her daughter. In the middle of that night, the biological mother breaks into the adoptive home, takes May Ling, and goes back to China.
Obviously, this is a dramatized story for a book and a TV show. Can these stories happen in real life? Possibly. I have never heard of one, but I’m sure it has. But here’s my opinion: in this story, if the McCulloughs had been properly resourced, they would have understood the importance of May Ling maintaining a connection to her birth mother and culture, and not been so fiercely closed off to Bebe’s attempts to re-establish a connection. As they got to know one another, one of two things might have happened: either Bebe would have seen how well her daughter was being cared for by her adoptive family and agreed to let her stay with them as long as she could be an active part of her life, or the McCulloughs would have seen how loved their daughter was by her biological mother and agreed that it was best for her to return to her, allowing them to then open their home to another child who needed a family.
Open adoptions don’t lessen a family’s connection to their child; they actually are a parent’s way of demonstrating massive respect and empathy for their child. No matter their level of openness, a child who is adopted will certainly have questions as they get older about where they came from and why their biological family didn’t or couldn’t raise them. If their adoptive family is open, they will explore the questions with their child, tell them everything they can, and understand how important this is to their sense of identity. The experience will certainly bring the family closer together, not further apart. If the family is not open, they’ll shut down the child’s curiosity with statements like, “We don’t care where you came from; you’re our child,” “Your biological mother didn’t raise you because you were meant to be part of our family,” “Love is what makes a family, and I’ve loved you since you were (X) years old.”
However true or untrue those statements are, they’re not helpful to say to a child who is struggling with feeling unwanted by their biological family and uncertain about who they are. They may know their adoptive family loves them and means well, but they just don’t feel understood. Without empathy and understanding by their family, they’re isolated carrying these questions and burdens alone. A child wanting to know about their biological family is not an indication of a child who doesn’t want to be part of your family anymore. It’s simply a very natural part of being human.
Are open adoptions always safe and appropriate for the child - absolutely not. There are times when the biological family has harmed the child and should not have access to them ever again. However, if there are people from the child’s biological and/or foster family that will be safe and enriching to the child’s life, then they should absolutely be involved in some capacity. These could be extended family, neighbors, friends, foster families. Anyone who can help the child feel a connection to the person they are and where they came from, and is beneficial for the child.
What about the concern that having an open adoption will lead the child to want to attach to their biological family instead of to you? Short answer: of course this will happen to some degree, but it will happen regardless of whether your adoption is open or closed. Another couple that we met through our agency adopted their now-3-year-old son at birth, and they have a very open relationship with his birth parents. The birth parents live in another state, so they don’t see them often, but when they do, their son is always happy and excited to see them. My friend tells the story of her son’s birth mom asking her how she isn’t jealous when her son wants to spend all his time with his birth mom when they’re together. My friend’s answer is, “Because I’m his mom, no matter what. But he deserves to know you.” I think this is an insanely mature way of looking at it. Of course her son will have a connection to the woman who carried him and gave birth to him. But it’s my friend who tucks him into bed every night, reads to him, comforts him, shares every day with him. It’s her he will always go to when he needs something, her house that will always be home. All kids have fun aunts, uncles, grandparents, babysitters, that spoil them and love them and that the kids get so excited to spend time with. But nothing replaces the connection a present, attentive, engaged parent has with their child.
Open adoptions might be a bit inconvenient for the adoptive family, and they may interrupt the adoptive parents’ expectation about what their new family should be like. For example, our little girls have been with an amazing foster family for a while now, and although it may be a bit awkward for us, we want to do all we can to make the transition easiest for the girls. If they need to call or FaceTime their foster family multiple times a day while they get used to us, we’re okay with that. If we need to travel the two hours to see them for the first few weekends they’re with us, we’ll do it. If we need to spend some holidays with them instead of with our own families, that’s okay. We’ll put up pictures of their foster family in our home right next to pictures of our own families. We want our girls to trust us, and we know that it will only help them trust us if they know we have a close relationship with the family they already know and trust. Of course they will bond to us in time, because they’ll spend every day with us and we’ll create many new memories. But it won’t be made better by us restricting access to the people that have been so loving and nurturing and safe for them.
What other adoption questions do you have? What myths/misconceptions have you heard? I am happy to help provide education and resourcing!
