47. Invited
It’s been a minute since I’ve blogged. I’d like to get back to the anxiety series I started, but I’ll share a little else of what I’ve been up to as well. A few weeks ago, I was driving to the library (where I go in the afternoons to write - Panera is my morning spot), and an idea came to me for a book. It came to me so clearly and specifically that I had to pay attention. When I decided to spend more time on my writing, I didn’t know if I’d write a book or not. I knew it would be a HUGE project and commitment. In my relationship with writing up to this point, I’ve not been ready to commit to one idea enough to write a whole book. I’ve enjoyed using my blog to flesh out lots of smaller ideas and assumed that if anything did come up that felt book-worthy I would explore it as it came.
One of my biggest hobbies is re-reading my old journals. I absolutely love seeing where I’ve been, how I’ve progressed, the setbacks and stuckness I’ve experienced, and how everything has come together to make me who and where I am today. I’m sure not everyone enjoys this like I do; I think it’s just a way I’m wired and helps make me a passionate therapist. I’m not sure what usually prompts me to pick my old journals up again. My spiritual director once hypothesized that I did it when I felt a sense of unease and disconnection from myself, and going back into my journals helped me re-connect and remind myself of who I am. I don’t re-read my journals all the time, but in the last few years I’ve gone through so much transition and disorientation and trying to figure out who I am beneath striving to achieve and be productive. It’s been a slow process, but my journals always serve as proof of how far I’ve come.
I’m not totally sure what inspired me to pick my journals back up this most recent time. But I can say that, on this re-reading, I began to see everything through a lens I never had before. This lens can be summed up in one word: “invited.”
I grew up in a family that loved me very much and did the best they knew how to raise me with the right values and make good decisions. But, like everyone else, there were certain needs I had growing up that were not fulfilled by the environment I was in. The journals I have start with a few random entries spaced months apart from when I was in middle school, and become much more frequent as I moved through college. It is an amazing gift to have those few entries that give windows into what my world looked and felt like as a young teen, and many more entries that show how my perception shifted and changed as I grew up. And it is amazing how, every time I re-read those entries, I see my life, myself, and those around me a little differently.
I grew up in a family that did its best, but had limited knowledge and resources to understand and give me everything I needed. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned a lot about myself and the needs I have. I’ve learned especially what needs I didn’t know I had, and therefore had never been met - by me or anyone else. Re-reading my journals this time around, I can see how I’ve been invited to be free of the old and step into the new. I’ve been invited out of the environment that didn’t serve me in all of the ways I needed, and invited to create my own environment in which I could identify and meet my needs for myself. I’ve been invited to identify deeply ingrained, unhelpful beliefs about myself and others, and slowly but steadily work to change those beliefs to ones that are more helpful. And I’ve been invited to help share what I learned and experienced with others so they could experience freedom, too.
The past month and a half, I’ve been re-reading all of my old journals, start to finish. It’s been years since I’ve done that (and within those years many new journals have been added to the collection), and the perspectives I’m seeing are incredible. At times I’ve felt guilty for doing this - that ingrained belief of “You should be doing something more productive” keeps trying to pull me out of this peaceful learning and reflecting. I also feel incredibly narcissistic sometimes - who spends weeks on end just reading about themselves? But I remind myself that this is all productive because, whether a book comes out of it or not, I am learning so much about the cycles that persisted in my life for years and gaining freedom through awareness. I am inviting myself to rich, authentic living, and I believe that the more freely I live, the more freely others around me will feel invited to live, too. I believe we are all worthy and deserving of being invited to better - to live fully and authentically as the beautiful, unique people we were created to be. That’s what I strive to do with my writing, and we’ll see where this project goes!
