56. Invited to Empathy
The word empathy, it seems, is all around these days. There was recently a series of commercials for Indeed, the job recruiting site, that talked all about it. The commercials said that empathy is a skill in the workplace that’s often overlooked, that it helps make people happy, and that it’s something we’re all capable of. Even though the commercials didn’t really explain specifically what empathy is or how to practice it, I loved the fact that it was being talked about. Just using the word more in our everyday conversations, I think, can help us all be more aware of it and how essential it is.
But I am curious how many people really understand what empathy is and how to do it. And I’m curious whether people really, really practice it in their everyday lives.
Can you remember the last time you shared with someone something that was weighing heavily on your heart? Maybe it was a difficult decision you had to make, something a friend or family said that bothered you, something you were worried about, something you were feeling insecure about. Who did you share it with? A friend, a family member, a partner, a therapist?
How did the person respond? If they lacked empathy, I am guessing they responded in one of the following ways:
Dismissive. Invalidating your experience or telling you not to feel that way. “Oh, I wouldn’t read too much into that.” “They probably didn’t mean it that way.” “Everyone struggles with that, it’s not just you.”
Fawning. The person is uncomfortable with your negative feelings, so they try hard to make you feel better, fix your problem, or stop you from worrying.
Pitying. They may try to show concern, but the effect is that you feel embarrassed or like there’s something wrong with you for feeling the way you do.
Judging. “Why do you let that bother you?” “Why did you respond that way?” “You shouldn’t get so worked up over this/you shouldn’t have said that/you should have just done it this way.”
Changing the subject. They may listen for the briefest amount of time but change the topic at the first chance.
Making it about themselves. They tell a story from their own experience instead of listening to yours.
Giving unsolicited advice or opinions. We’ve all been there. Done it and received it.
If you walked away from a conversation without feeling heard and validated, feeling shame or embarrassment about what you shared, feeling like you shouldn’t be feeling the way you do, or anything less than relieved and supported, then you probably weren’t responded to with empathy.
I don’t think anyone intentionally responds in an unempathetic way. I think we’re just not conditioned as a society to be empathic. We are conditioned to be productive. If there’s a problem, we fix it. Pausing to listen and sit with the difficult feelings doesn’t feel productive. It feels like we’re dwelling on an issue instead of letting it go or resolving it. And for many of us, we didn’t adequately learn how to deal with our feelings as children. Many of us were raised by parents who didn’t know how to deal with their own difficult feelings, so they certainly didn’t have the tools to teach us how to deal with ours. You might have been told to go to your room if you were going to cry. You might have been told to “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” You might have been punished for whining or throwing a tantrum instead of having parents who understood you were dealing with big feelings and helped you learn how to use your words to tell them what you needed.
These unhelpful lessons about how to deal with your feelings AND how to sit with others in theirs, can be difficult to unlearn. Very difficult. These are deeply ingrained ways of thinking about feelings. It’s natural, when someone around you is struggling, to try to cheer them up. It’s natural, when someone is anxious, to tell them it’ll all be fine. It’s natural, if you grew up being told what to do and think and feel, to jump into advice-giving mode instead of genuine listening.
It’s natural, but it isn’t always helpful. And because these things are natural, empathy will be a skill that takes work. It will take practice. It will take trial and error. Eventually, it can feel natural, but it may always be your reflex to jump into dismissing or fawning or criticizing or advice-giving instead of empathizing. But keep working on it. It’s worth it to practice empathy, I promise you. You, your friends, your partners, your family, your co-workers, and literally everyone you interact with will be better because of it.
The first step in improving your empathy: listen.
Listen, listen, listen, listen, and then listen some more. If there’s something you don’t understand, ask. Don’t assume you know where the person is going with their story or jump to conclusions about the details if you haven’t been told them. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard someone (my husband, clients, others) say something as if it’s fact, but when I ask, “How do you know that?” they admit that they’re just assuming based on a few things they heard or observed. Instead of jumping to conclusions, keep listening. Ask follow-up questions instead of assuming the person’s answer. You may feel like you’re interrogating them, but people can generally tell where a person’s heart is. If you can ask questions from a place of genuine care and curiosity, not from a place of judgment or nosiness, the person will be very likely to give you the information you want.
Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Therefore, you can’t have empathy without understanding their perspective. If you feel like you don’t know what to say or you’re talking just because you’re uncomfortable, stop. Simply nodding your head and saying, “That’s tough,” is often better than giving unsolicited advice or doing any of the other responses listed above. When listening with empathy, your job is not to fix the problem or make the person feel better. Your job is to be a supportive ear and give the person space to get something off their chest. That’s it. It’s literally so simple.
If your friend tells you she’s so annoyed with her husband for not doing things the way she wants them done, don’t jump in and complain that your husband does the same thing. First, listen for what the person is feeling. Maybe she really just needs to vent a frustration, and once she gets it out she feels better. But what if the underlying feeling is questioning whether she really wants to be in this marriage? What if it’s touching on a deeper wound of feeling unheard and unvalued in childhood? What if she is overwhelmed by life right now and her husband isn’t being the partner she needs to help her through it? Your own experience with this issue might be completely different than what your friend is going through. This is why it’s so vitally important to listen and collect all information first.
The second step, once you feel that you have a genuine understanding of what it must be like to be in the person’s shoes, is to simply state what it must be like to be in their shoes. You might say, “Wow, that’s a lot to carry. I would be feeling so overwhelmed in your position.” You might summarize what you’ve heard in a way that shows the person you understand how they feel: “It must be so frustrating to feel like you don’t have a partner to help you, especially when you’re going through so much already.”
But wait! What if you think the person is wrong? What if you don’t want to validate someone’s experience because you think their perspective is totally off? What if you feel the need to correct them and help them see it the right way?
Nope. Don’t do it. At least, not yet.
Why? Because if a person is feeling frustrated, sad, or angry, what they need is support. First and foremost. Support allows a person to feel relieved of the burdens they’re carrying. Having someone listen to you just helps you feel like you’re not in it alone. As the empathic listener, your job is to understand how the person feels. Not whether their actions or thoughts are “correct.” No matter what your perspective is on the situation, the person’s feelings are their feelings. Their experience is valid to them.
Once a person feels genuinely heard and supported, it’s amazing how often they can then see the other side. Once they have been relieved of the burden of carrying it all alone, they have energy to understand that the other person’s perspective can be valid, too, or that their problems are solvable and the world isn’t over. Believe it or not, most people are very resilient and capable of solving their own problems. They just often lack the social support needed to do so. That’s where you come in.
What if, even after listening and validating and empathizing, you still feel like the person is stuck or that they could benefit from your advice or opinion? Ask them. Say, “Do you want my opinion?” or “Do you want to know what I’d do in that situation?” Often, they’ll say yes to be polite, even if they don’t really want to hear it. But also, an overwhelming amount of the time, if you’ve allowed them to talk and process and feel the way they feel and not dismissed or judged or invalidated their experience, the person will be glad to hear your opinion. You just have to wait your turn. You have to earn the right to give advice, so to speak. You have to earn the person’s trust by listening first.
What if, even after listening and validating and empathizing, you still just don’t know what to say? Perhaps the person has just gone through a tragic and unexplainable loss. Perhaps they got a diagnosis. Perhaps their partner left them. There are no words for these situations. It’s cliche to say, I know, but it’s true. Your presence to them means literally the world. The fact that you aren’t running away from them in their time of need or anxiously trying to say the perfect thing to make it better, is all they need. By doing this, you are communicating to them that they are safe with you. It can be SO HARD to not know the right thing to say. So just embrace this. Remind yourself as many times as you need to that there’s nothing you need to say. Don’t dance around and avoid the subject if the person brings it up, but just listen and support. Ask them what they need. They might not know or say they don’t need anything, and that’s okay. Your presence is all they need. Trust this. Even if it feels so uncomfortable.
Once again, empathy is a skill that takes practice. It’s okay if it feels awkward, unnatural, or counterproductive. You can tell if your empathy is working by the fruits of the conversation. If people seem more willing to open up to you, if they seem relieved after talking to you, if they thank you for listening, if they seem to get energy from your conversation - chances are, you’re doing a great job. This is so worth it, you guys! Empathy is amazing. It helps people feel heard and cared for, which in turn helps them solve their own problems. It helps people trust you and want to share their hearts with you. It will make your relationships so much richer.
Happy practicing, everyone. You can do this. :)
