54. “Life will always be hectic.”

Yesterday I was lying in bed, scrolling through social media, as I pretty much always do for a good ten minutes before getting up. I don’t know what makes someone a “morning person” or not, but if I had to guess, I’d say I’m not one.

During my social media scroll yesterday, I saw a post from one of my Facebook friends that said, “Life will always be hectic and complicated. Stop waiting for life to get easier or better. In order to be happy, learn to be happy now.”

I can see the intention behind this post. Because it’s true, many things in life are out of our control. We can’t control when our water heater breaks, when our kid gets sick and derails all of our plans for the day, when we learn that a family member has been diagnosed with an illness, when we suddenly lose someone we love. So much is out of our control, and it definitely can cause seasons of hectic and complicated.

And yet.

I take issue with the implication that life is completely out of our control. That no matter how hard we try, our calendars will simply become fuller than we ever wish they would. That our only option is to do the best we can with the circumstances we’re given. That we need to learn how to be happy in circumstances we’re just not happy in.

We will always, always, always have seasons of hectic. Always. Things happen that we don’t anticipate, and we have to do the best we can to ride the waves. Or, things happen that we do anticipate and do want (like welcoming new family members, moving, changing jobs, retiring, kids graduating and going off to college), but the changes still throw us for a loop and we need time to adjust. But I think it is hugely important to recognize the differences between these temporary seasons of hectic, versus living chronically hectic lives. Even more importantly, living chronically hectic lives that we don’t have to live.

I grew up, as many of us did, in a family where being busy was a sign of being important. School, homework, projects, practices, games, track meets, church activities, volunteering, clubs, social events - we did it all. In high school, I dated someone who was on the swim team. During swim season, they had weightlifting before school, swim practice after school, and meets on the weekends. My boyfriend’s typical day started at 6 am and ended at 6:30 pm. And this was before homework and non-swimming extracurriculars. I would feel like such a loser for not being as busy as he was.

You’ve been in those conversations, right? The ones where people compare who has the most going on, who gets up the earliest, who works the most hours, whose life is the most hectic? Like, why? Why is this such a badge of honor? Why do people want to be acknowledged as the most stressed out, having the worst boundaries, being the most miserable for the sake of being productive and successful? Why?

Well, because we don’t think of it that way. We’re not intentionally thinking this when we speak up and say, “Oh, you get up at 6? I get up at 5:30.” “Oh, you go to yoga twice a week? I go 5 times a week.” None of us are intentionally thinking that we want a prize for being the most self-sacrificing. We just feel insecure if we don’t appear as important or hardworking or productive as others.

However, whether we think this way or not, this chronic need to be busy is a sign of a dysregulated nervous system. Imagine for a second what it would be like to stop. To give up all obligations but the bare essentials - perhaps work (no more than 40 hours a week) and taking care of your basic needs (food, paying the bills, having a somewhat clean home, having a few good friends you see regularly, having a simple exercise routine like walking or taking short jogs). Does this sound amazing, or does it provoke anxiety? Do you worry that if you stopped moving, you’d never start again? Do you worry that if you stopped going on high-speed, you’d have to deal with feelings that you generally try to avoid? Do you worry that if you stopped producing and achieving, you’d get too comfortable or become lazy or lose your motivation or work ethic? Do you worry that you’d miss out on important things if you stopped?

If you answered that to slow down sounds amazing - why? What sounds amazing about it? So, why don’t you do it? Are you afraid to say no? Afraid of what others will think if you’re not stretched to your absolute limit? Afraid of what you’ll think of yourself? Afraid you’ll miss out?

Here’s the truth: we are in control of our own lives. Yes, there will always be times when things come up that are out of our control. But if you aren’t in the driver’s seat of your own life, someone else will come along and drive it for you. That someone will not be concerned about what’s best for you. They will want you to serve their agenda. They will pressure you to work more hours, take on more projects, volunteer for another thing. Maybe no one else will ask more of you, but you’ll see someone else seeming to have it all together and you’ll unconsciously feel inferior. You’ll feel inferior to the mom that has time to work and cook her kids healthy dinners and have a social life and have time to relax. You’ll feel inferior to the person that has a full-time job and a side hustle. You’ll feel inferior to the person who does DIY home projects when you don’t even have time to vacuum. You’ll feel inferior to the person whose kids are so well-behaved while yours are running around like escaped inmates.

Here are solid truths about those people: 1. They are not you. 2. You don’t know their life.

1. They are not you. Here are a few things I’ve learned about myself throughout my several years of adult life so far: I hate home projects, I hate landscaping work, I hate cleaning bathrooms. I love doing laundry, I love meal planning and cooking, and I love having a social life. When I know these things about myself, I can stop comparing myself to what others do. When I see my neighbors’ gorgeously manicured lawn, or my in-laws’ beautifully remodeled bathrooms, I can just be happy for them instead of comparing it to my own wildly overgrown flowerbeds and plain old bathrooms. Those aren’t things I want to spend the time on. Eventually I’ll suck it up and spend an hour or two weeding and mulching my flowerbeds, but I don’t stress over it more than I need to. I can hire someone to cut the grass and clean the bathrooms if those jobs just make me miserable. And I can spend more time and energy planning meals, arranging to see friends, and folding laundry. More of what I enjoy. Less of what I don’t.

2. You don’t know their life. When I look at my neighbors’ gorgeous lawn and how much time they spend working on it, I don’t know if it’s something they genuinely enjoy doing or if they’re just trying to keep up appearances but hate the process. When I see my single friends going to yoga 5 times a week and having side hustles in addition to their full-time jobs, I have to remind myself that I’d probably do things like that if I were single too, but instead I like to spend my free time hanging out with my husband. And I remind myself that these friends probably struggle with loneliness sometimes and anxiety about whether or not they’ll find someone. Not that everyone has to find someone, of course, but as humans we aren’t meant to go through life alone. If you are single, it is important to take care of your needs by having a fulfilling life and investing in solid social support. And if you compare yourself to the mom who seems to have time to “have it all,” remember that you don’t know how much help she has, whether she’s happy with her life, and whether her relationship with her partner is strong. There is so much we don’t know about people - especially people we only know vaguely or through social media.

At the same time, there might be people whose lives you envy because they genuinely seem to be living in ways that you would like to live. If that’s the case, then spend more time with those people! You truly become who you hang out with. Get to know those people better and let their energy rub off on you. Ask them how they manage to do it. People love to feel needed, and they’ll be flattered that you notice them and the way they live. They will be more than happy to talk with you about how they do it.

But if you do this, remember that they’re not perfect, either. Remember that they are living in ways that are best for them, or at least trying to. Their life might look great, but it may or may not be a lifestyle that would work for you. Always be in tune with yourself and what you actually want and need before taking someone’s advice.

We will always have seasons of hectic. But is “hectic” your daily routine? Are you living, or are you simply surviving? If you are surviving, is it a temporary season you’re in, or is it your lifestyle?

Do you want to live this way? Maybe you don’t, but you feel like you have no choice. Maybe you feel like this is just the way it is when you work at this job, have this number of kids, have a parent with this condition. Ask yourself, “Does this situation have an end date?” If you know that your elderly parent has limited time left, maybe it’s okay to be in survival mode for now and spend as much time with that parent as you can. Maybe you are doing a temporary job or getting through a grad school program, and you know you just need to make it through until the end date. But what if you have young kids and feel like you’re just going to be surviving until they graduate high school? What if you’re working a job you can’t stand and have no plans to get out? How do you handle that?

First, recognize. Recognize which type of survival mode you’re in: temporary or chronic. Then, ask yourself if you can keep living this way or if a change needs to be made. A change doesn’t have to be something huge. You don’t necessarily have to change jobs, but can you become more firm with your boundaries? Maybe you decide that you’ll leave every day at 5pm, whether your work is finished or not. After all, you signed on for a job in exchange for pay and benefits. You didn’t sign on for a life sentence. Maybe you decide to pay someone to clean or do yard work for your family if it’s taking too much time away from what you actually want to do. Maybe you be more intentional about your social calendar and schedule plans with friends in advance, to give you things to look forward to and break up the monotony. Maybe you schedule a date night with your partner once a week or even just once a month, and commit to keeping that date no matter how you feel or what comes up. Maybe you want to exercise more but notice you seem to skip it a lot when you just don’t feel up to it - so maybe you need to exercise at a different time of day or do a different type of exercise you enjoy more. I used to think I “should” exercise in the morning, but I always failed when I tried this. The time of day that has been most consistent for me has been right after work, when I’ve been sitting all day and have energy to get out of my body. In my early 20s I ran half marathons, but as an adult with adult responsibilities (plus asthma and plantar fasciitis), the most I can do is a slow jog, 2-3 times a week, for about 30 minutes. That, plus daily walks, is fine. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy or strenuous. But it is wonderful for both my physical and mental health.

Another small change that makes a huge difference? Saying no. Seriously. Trust me, saying no has never, ever come easily for me. I am used to being accommodating of others’ wishes, being reliable and stepping up to help, rearranging my schedule to be flexible for what others need. I am good at doing this. And I can always justify why I could say yes. I could always say, “Well, I was planning to use that time for ___, but I could always do that tomorrow instead.” Or, “I don’t really want to do that, but they’re only asking for an hour of my time, it’s really not a big deal.” And here’s why saying no can be so complicated, too: sometimes, you will use these exact phrases and decide to say “yes.” Sometimes, you decide you’re genuinely fine with rearranging your schedule to help someone else out. Figuring out what to say yes and no to is about trusting yourself and what your gut says. If you genuinely want to say yes to something and can make it work, then say yes. But if you truly deep down do not want to do something or feel like it’s just going to be too much to make yourself do it, listen to that. You don’t need a perfect justification of why you can’t. I am notorious for agonizing over a decision, then once I finally decide to say no I have a burst of energy. Then I feel so guilty for saying no, especially if my reasons for saying no were because I just needed some time to rest. Just because you feel guilty does not mean you made the wrong choice. It’s also okay to experiment. Try saying no this time, and then yes next time, and compare the two experiences. Was it worth it to say yes? Was it worth it to say no? Remember that none of us have done this thing called “life” before. This is all of our first go at it, and we’re all just figuring it out as we go.

What if you try making small changes and you’re still unhappy? Well, then it might be time a make a bigger change. Before making a big change, I recommend talking to a therapist and seeing what deeper issues might be going on. Sometimes there’s that one little thing that you keep getting stuck on, and once you become aware of it it can make all the difference. But maybe you really do need to make a change in your larger picture of circumstances. Maybe you need to change jobs, or move, or get different friends, or leave an unhappy relationship, or create your own opportunity. This is where knowing yourself and your heart is so important. And this is where I take such an issue with the phrase, “Learn to be happy now.” Because we can not and should not force ourselves to find happiness in situations that are just fundamentally not good for us. What is your heart saying you need? Is it in contrast with what you see others doing or what your ingrained beliefs are saying? This can make it very difficult to listen to your own compass. But I believe our own compasses are far more accurate than we’re conditioned to believe. What does your heart want? Where is it leading you? This is where living at a hectic pace does us such a disservice, because it disconnects us from our hearts and our needs. So slow it down. Listen. Live intentionally, not hectically, as much as you can.

Guys, we only get one life. So let’s stop buying into this lie that it will always be hectic and complicated beyond our control. Let’s take ownership of the fact that your life is your life, and you can do with it what you want. If you’re not happy, listen to it. If you are happy, enjoy it. If your heart longs for more, don’t force yourself to feel content, but welcome your heart to tell you more. Learn from the wisdom of your own body and soul. You were created for more than survival mode. You have wonderful things to offer. You are worthy of joyful living. Can you accept this invitation?