63. Parenting: Apologizing
I’ve been thinking for some time about writing some material about parenting.
Obviously, I haven’t yet experienced what it’s like to be a day-to-day parent. But I have read about parenting extensively and I know exactly what I will value and how I will communicate with my children when they come home. I’ve had plenty of bonding time with my nieces, nephews, godchildren, friends’ children, and I’ve been a camp counselor, after-school program worker, tutor, and youth ministry director. I’ve participated in a mandatory 36-hour training about child development and trauma-informed parenting. I’m a licensed therapist and understand, in general, how humans operate and what we need and where we get stuck. And, of course, I was raised by parents and can speak from what I experienced growing up and what I’m still un-learning today.
So, the first thing I’ll write about parenting is this: There is not, never has been, and never will be a perfect parent.
Why? Because parents are human. Every single one of them. And every single one of them, including myself, has made and will make mistakes. Everyone has raised their voice when they shouldn’t have. Everyone has reacted out of their own insecurity and trauma and fear when they shouldn’t have. Everyone has competed in a power struggle that should have been handled with love and grace. Everyone has imposed their own childhood dreams onto their children instead of nurturing the unique human beings that they are. Everyone has criticized their child in times of pain instead of loving and comforting. I could go on with all the mistakes every parent has made at one time or another, or many times or another. But I’ll move on to the good news.
The good news is that your kids don’t need perfect parents. They need human parents. They need parents that show emotion and allow kids to show theirs. They need parents that make mistakes and know how to admit it and say they’re sorry. They need parents who need time away to invest in their own self-care. They need parents who need a break sometimes from adulting to be silly and blow off steam. They need parents who need sleep, need to eat, need to drink water, need to bathe, need time alone. They need parents with lives and hobbies and sources of joy outside of their children. They need parents who know they’re not perfect and invest in their own growth through reflection, journaling, education, therapy, and social support.
Think back to your childhood: Can you remember a time when your parents admitted they were wrong and apologized to you?
If you’re like most people, you can’t. Maybe you were one of the lucky ones who had parents who openly admitted when they had messed up and asked for their child’s forgiveness. Maybe you can remember hearing the words, “I’m sorry,” but it felt hollow and insincere. Or maybe you point-blank have no memories of ever hearing those words in any form, and your parents to this day maintain the delusion that they were the best parents you could have ever had.
I have a lot of friends with young kids, and one thing I hear from them all the time is that they simultaneously feel like they are doing their best as parents, while also feeling like they’re doing it all wrong. How tremendous this pressure must feel. You want to provide the absolute best life, love, and nurturing to these little humans that you love more than anything in the world, yet there are so many different ways to parent and you’re just figuring it out day by day, that you constantly question if you’re doing it right. This is so normal. My heart goes out to you. And I’m sure that, as long as you’re asking this question, you are absolutely doing the best you can.
This is what our kids need. They need parents who are just doing the best they can. And part of doing the best you can is, in fact, letting your children know when you have made a mistake or feel sorry for something you’ve done. I am sure that most parents who have never apologized do feel insecure deep down, but they’re so stuck in their own insecurity that they project an image of all-knowing and superiority to hide from this feeling. Imagine the relief you could feel if you simply gave yourself permission to say, “Hey, this parenting thing is literally the hardest job I’ve ever had. There are so many ways to do it. There are so many unknowns. Kids are constantly changing. They’re constantly growing and testing limits and setting limits in their own ways. My patience is constantly tested. I’m constantly giving. I love doing it, but I also get exhausted. It’s actually okay for me to let go of this burden to be perfect. Maybe by letting go of this burden, I can actually enjoy it more.”
Just try it. I bet you’ll feel some relief.
And when you do mess up - maybe you’re extra short with them because you’re tired, you’re stressed by something at work and you take it out on them, you’re too tired to cook dinner so you get McDonald’s five nights in one week, you tell them they can’t play soccer this year because that’s just not how you want to spend your weekends, you’re dealing with the fourth or fifth or sixth meltdown today and you just lose it, you send the kids to play on their tablets because you just need a break - listen, everyone has been there and everyone does it. And honestly, I said “when you mess up,” but a lot of this isn’t even messing up - it’s just doing what you need to do so you can be the best you can be.
But when you do something that you genuinely feel sorry for or know you shouldn’t have done, just go sit down with your kid and say, “Hey buddy, I’m so sorry I raised my voice at you. I was tired and cranky, and we all do things we shouldn’t when we feel that way. Next time I feel tired and cranky, I’ll do my best to take a deep breath and talk calmly instead. I love you so much and I want the way I speak to you to show how much I love you. Can you forgive me?”
When we do this, not only do we let go of our burdens and show our children the respect they deserve, but we also model for our children something so important. We model for them how to admit when they’re wrong, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. We show them that it’s not something to avoid or be ashamed of. We model for them how to be in touch with our feelings and how to properly remedy relationships that have been damaged. Can you give them any better gift than this? Not to mention their future friends, partners, children, co-workers, and anyone else that they interact with for the rest of their lives? Can you see how many people you bless by just having a momentary swallowing of your pride and connecting honestly with your child? Seriously, it’s amazing. Please do this. Please.
If you need more incentive, know that apologizing to your child will also give you a much better relationship with them. They will be much more likely to come to you when they mess up. They will know they’re not held to this impossible standard, but they also know that they are expected to make amends if their actions have hurt someone. You free yourself from a tremendous burden of having to be perfect. And you gift yourself with this amazing opportunity to connect with your child. There are literally no cons, other than shattering this imagined delusion that your child thinks you’re perfect. But that image won’t last longer than the child’s 13th birthday, tops, so you might as well just break it early. :) And of course, in the long run, your child will respect you far more for it and see you as even more of a hero.
What other parenting topics can I address? I have a whole list, but feel free to shoot me a message if you want something!
I’ll also provide an amazing book recommendation: The Whole-Brain Child, by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. I’m sure a ton of posts to follow will reference this book!
