64. Parenting: Trust vs. Mistrust

As I venture into writing some content about parenting, I think a great way to kick off some conversations (and build understanding of some of the things you may get stuck on) is to explore the psychosocial milestones that children ideally develop throughout childhood.

I am going to explain these milestones using Erikson’s psychosocial stages of development. At each stage, if the skill is properly developed and nurtured, the child will more easily move on and develop the skill of the next stage. If the skill isn’t properly developed and nurtured, the child will struggle to navigate each of stages that follow.

The good news is that our brains are amazing and constantly capable of change. No matter what milestones were missed during childhood, an adult can always go back and rewire the neural pathways that were formed into ones that are more helpful. But until the adult becomes aware of the areas in which they struggle and are willing to go back and work on it, they will continue to get stuck.

As parents, we ideally would like our children to develop the best and most helpful neural pathways possible. This will set them up to be self-assured, secure, warm adults that are able to have trusting relationships with others. While we will always make mistakes, our ability to acknowledge them and apologize to our children is essential for helping us move forward from them. If your children have already moved past the infant stage, you may need to look back on what their first year of life was like to see if they’ve developed an adequate sense of trust or not. If they have, that’s amazing! But if not, you can always go back and repair what was missed. You can’t undo what’s been done, but you can set better patterns for the future.

So, let’s get into the stages. I think these provide such helpful insights, not just for parenting, but for adults who want to understand themselves better and why they get stuck. But for now, we’ll focus mainly on practical insights and tips specific to parenting.

Stage 1: Trust versus. Mistrust

Trust begins building the minute an infant is born. Although you don’t remember it, try to picture how you must have felt when you were born. For nine months, you existed inside the warm, safe cocoon of your mother’s body. Everything you needed was readily provided for you. Then, suddenly, you weren’t inside this safe, dark, warm cocoon anymore. You emerged into an environment that was bright, loud, and quite possibly chaotic. There were machines beeping. There were unfamiliar hands all over you. You breathed oxygen for the first time. Your skin was exposed to air for the first time, and it was cold. You were startled and scared, and you cried.

Ideally, you were placed as quickly as you could onto your mother’s chest. After spending nine months inside her body, you instinctively knew who your mother was and, once you were placed on her chest, you knew you were safe. Her skin was warm. Her voice was soothing. This felt familiar and right.

If you had a chaotic birth and weren’t able to be cuddled by your mother right away, if you were a preemie and had to spend your early days and weeks wired to tubes and machines, if you were adopted and given to your adoptive parents instead of your birth mom - these all interrupted your sense of safety and security.

Most of these factors are unpredictable and uncontrollable, of course. Circumstances can’t always be exactly the way they should. Many people now know the importance of skin-to-skin contact during those early hours, but this hasn’t always been widely known. If you had very nurturing parents but a birth that didn’t go very smoothly, you might gain some great insights from hearing the story.

For the first four months of an infant’s life, they are not able to separate their mother from themselves. They believe they and their mother are the same person. They feel comforted and soothed by their mother’s presence, and startled when she isn’t there. During their first year of life but especially during those first few months, an infant is completely helpless. They can’t feed, change, or soothe themselves. They can’t ask for what they need. They can’t even hold their own heads up or sit on their own, much less move on their own. They are completely, utterly dependent on their caregivers to meet their needs.

Infants have one tool to communicate when they have a need: crying. If you’ve observed an attentive parent with their infant, you’ve probably been amazed at how they can tell the difference in their cries. They have a hungry cry, a tired cry, a dirty diaper cry, and an “I need Mom” cry. It’s incredible when a parent is this attuned to their infant and shows that they have a close and trusting bond. Even if a parent doesn’t know exactly what their baby needs, they will check their diaper, offer them a bottle, hold them, walk around with them, give them a pacifier, and try things out until their baby has calmed down. Even the most attuned parents find that, no matter how well they know their baby, things change so fast as their baby grows, learns, and develops. This means they have to constantly continue to know and observe and bond with their baby so they can continue to give them what they need.

If a baby cries and their caregiver doesn’t respond to them, they will not develop a trusting bond. They may cry and fuss for hours on end while their caregiver tunes them out, ignores them, or is otherwise occupied. They may give up crying altogether and become depressed at their lack of stimulation. This is heartbreaking and tragic. I’m not here to blame or criticize parents - if a parent does this, it’s probably all the know. Their own parent certainly wasn’t attentive and nurturing to them, and for many possible reasons they haven’t worked through their traumas to change this cycle for their children. They could simply be far too overwhelmed to be the present parent their child needs. They could be in an abusive relationship; they could simply lack the knowledge or tools; they could be working 3 jobs to provide for their family.

A nonresponsive, detached, or dismissive caregiver will teach their developing baby that people can’t be trusted. But because this is the baby’s primary caregiver, the baby will attach to them no matter how fulfilling or nonfulfilling a relationship it is. If it’s a fulfilling relationship, the baby will learn that relationships are trustworthy, loving, and supportive, and seek those qualities out in future friends and partners. But if it’s a detached, distant relationship where the baby’s needs are ignored, minimized, or dismissed, the infant will grow up believing those are normal qualities in a relationship and sadly seek out friends and partners who mimic those things. And because this massive neural pathway was wired during their first year of life, they’ll struggle to understand and identify this pattern because they can’t remember it.

Other sad results of a non-trusting bond between baby and caregiver: the child grows up believing no one can be trusted and become overly self-reliant, they struggle to ask for or accept help, they struggle in relationships because they never make anyone else feel needed, they struggle with depression because they feel isolated, and they struggle with anxiety at having to carry so much alone. They could become overly withdrawn and detached from their needs and emotions, or they could become extremely rigid with their needs because they were not taken care of early in life. They may become overly dependent on others and be terrified to be left alone. They may crumble at small challenges because they were left to deal with so much early in life. They may need constant reassurance from friends and loved ones that they aren’t going to abandon them.

In the most extreme circumstances, a nonresponsive caregiver could look like a parent who struggles with substance abuse or mental health issues and is unable to meet their child’s needs, a physically absent parent, a parent so caught up in themselves that their baby’s needs are a burden. But in less extreme circumstances, a nonresponsive caregiver could look like parents who don’t comfort their child when they cry because they’re afraid of “spoiling them.” It could look like parents who do the “cry it out” method to get their baby to sleep through the night. It could even look like a parent who leaves their baby in their car seat while out to coffee with a friend.

Please don’t hear judgment if you’ve ever done this. I know every parent does this from time to time, and some do it regularly because it’s what they’ve been taught is best. Please let me provide an explanation of why these common parenting methods may not be best for developing that bond of trust with your baby and setting them up for their best future.

Crying it out/not spoiling them: When your baby cries, it’s because they need something. Even if you think they’re “manipulating” you or just don’t want to be put down or left alone, know that they are still trying to communicate something to you. Why don’t they want to be put down or left alone? Is it because they’re scared? Cold? Lonely? Don’t discount the emotional needs your child communicates to you in addition to the physical ones. If your baby needs to be held more than you think they should, there’s some need that they have that they aren’t otherwise able to communicate. If you holding them is a comfort to them, you’re building that trusting bond.

Think of a 6-year-old child who goes to a birthday party. They’re a little shy and overwhelmed by all the people and activity. You might be tempted to drop them off and make a run for it, thinking your presence will only make them even more clingy. But instead, you hold their hand and walk with them around the party, taking it all in and getting your bearings. After a little while, your child starts to relax and is ready to join in the fun. They want to go in the bounce house, but want you to watch them. You watch them for 5 minutes, and as you watch you see the fear and apprehension on their face transform into a wide smile. You see them giggling with other kids. You call them over and let them know that you’re going to leave now, that you love them, and that you will be back to pick them up in two hours. Your child hugs you good bye and eagerly runs back to their activity.

In this situation, you were your child’s safe place as they took in a new and scary environment. You allowed them to adjust at the pace that was comfortable for them, and then they were ready to venture out on their own.

This is how it is with a baby that we’re afraid of spoiling. Just like the 6-year-old needed your presence to feel safe and secure as they adjusted to the party, you being there to comfort your baby is setting them up to learn how to self-soothe as they’re ready.

Should you always pick up your baby the second she starts crying? Not necessarily. Sometimes, it’s good to see if she can calm herself down. But if her cries persist for more than a few minutes, then she probably needs some help. This is a good way to balance helping her know you’re always there for her, with building her own sense of resilience.

Leaving your child in their car seat: I’ll be honest, I used to see this as a desirable characteristic. I’d think it was cool that this parent was so chill and didn’t need to hold their baby every second. But now, I realize that leaving your baby in the car seat for these long stretches of time isn’t good for them, physically, cognitively, socially, or emotionally. It’s one thing to give yourself a break if they’re napping, but if they’re awake, they should be held and engaged with. A baby that’s being held or sitting on your lap is strengthening his back, core, and neck muscles, and also is becoming more physically attuned to your heart rhythm, body temperature, and breathing. These are all so important for continuing to develop that social-emotional bond. Leaving the baby in the car seat to entertain himself with toys is okay for short periods of time, but this shouldn’t be the norm. While toys can be cognitively stimulating, it doesn’t compare to the social-emotional, plus physical and cognitive stimulation of being held and engaged with.

Another great way to stimulate a baby socially, cognitively, and emotionally is through facial and sound mirroring. Babies smile and laugh so easily. They make silly faces and are constantly discovering new things. They mimic your movements as they learn. It is so much fun.

My nephew, 11 months old, has recently learned how to experiment with the different noises he can make when he puts his fingers in his mouth. He also does this adorable thing where he tilts his head sideways and looks at you. It is so much fun to just sit and mirror his expressions and noises. For a baby who can’t speak in words, this is how they have conversations. It’s a way they connect emotionally. Adults get the easiest job of just engaging with them and doing back to them what they’re doing. They can also add some new noises into the mix, like patting on the table or clapping, so that the baby will mimic you and learn a new skill. Many people feel silly when interacting with a baby because they don’t know what to do. This is literally all you have to do. It’s literally how you have a conversation. It builds their social, emotional, cognitive, and physical skills. And it’s fun and adorable.

I hope this gives you some insights about why it is so crucial to build a trusting bond during the first year of your child’s life. I hope it also gives some practical ways to build that bond if you’re struggling or not sure. Seriously, just enjoy your baby. If you’re enjoying them, they’re enjoying you. A happy parent is the best gift you can give to your child on so many levels. Please do whatever you need for yourself so you can give that gift to your child.

Next post, we’ll cover Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt.