Judgy
I haven’t written a ton about my kiddos on here, specifically because they keep me so exhausted….errr, I mean busy. I guess I’m just in a phase where I randomly write something when I have the time and mental space, or if something comes up that just feels important.
If you know my oldest daughter, you know she’s a handful. Like, a really big handful. Girl is smart as a whip and has survived extreme trauma, which means she’s a survivor and answers to no one. For reasons that vary depending on the day, she sometimes leaves the house or yard without telling us. We’ve taken every precaution we possibly can - locked up her bike and scooter, put alarms on the doors, gotten a tracking device, offered rewards and consequences, discussed the dangers of sneaking off and alternatives when she feels tempted, discussed the emotional issues beneath the behavior, provided plenty of fun, thrill-seeking activities in our backyard…we’ve done it all and then some. But, girl won’t be controlled. And she’s nine years old. She’s smart, she’s sneaky, and she’s fast. You can take your eye off her for literally one minute and she’s out of the yard. Alarms are fairly pointless because she knows how to deactivate them or just break them. And forget about tracking devices; unless we can figure out a way to secretly implant a microchip in her body, she can just take it off or say she “forgot” she didn’t have it on. And, girlfriend also likes a thrill. She likes to do things she knows she shouldn’t. I have no problem letting my 9-year-old ride her bike in the neighborhood, but she won’t stop there - she’ll ride to Kroger or McDonalds and try to get them to give her stuff. As you can imagine, people get concerned when a 9-year-old comes into McDonald’s barefoot and says she’s hungry. Cops have been called more times than I can possibly count.
Some officers have been understanding and compassionate, and we’ve been very grateful to them. Yet, with increasing regularity, we’ve experienced more and more judgment. They’ve yelled at my child thinking they’ll scare her straight - and if you know my child, you know this just adds fuel to the fire. They’ve said they wonder about our ability to keep her safe. They’ve made the same suggestions over and over about alarms and trackers and just watching her more closely. Meanwhile, we’ve explained our situation again and again and again. We’ve even called the police department to ask specifically that all of her background info be entered into their records so we don’t have to explain it again and again. Yet, the judgment still occurs, and I find myself not wanting to call and ask for help when she runs off because I just can’t deal with it.
And then, there was today. We took the girls to a playground in a different area from where we usually go; in a smaller, more conservative town than we usually go as a family. Maybe I’ve taken for granted how understanding and accepting our friends and neighbors have been of Elizabeth and her challenges, but also, I can throw a stone in any direction in our neighborhood and hit a house that holds a kid with ADHD, behavior challenges, sensory issues, etc. Our girl is in very good company here. But at this playground today, our girls were swinging and it looked like they were making friends with two other girls, which is typical for them. I don’t think I’m even being biased to say that Elizabeth in particular makes friends EVERYWHERE she goes. The girls seemed to be getting along fine. I didn’t hear or observe anything weird or inappropriate being said. The other girls’ adult was sitting at the table next to us. But after her girls got off the swings, she called them both to come over to her. She then very deliberately whispered into one of their ears, then that one whispered into the other’s ear. I don’t want to be paranoid or jump to conclusions, but I definitely had a feeling that something was off. Sure enough, the girls went back to playing, and our girls called their names multiple times to invite them to rejoin them. The other girls point-blank ignored our girls. Didn’t even turn around to their names. I watched this occur multiple times.
Ryan and I just looked at each other. I felt my blood starting to boil. The other girls’ adult was on the phone. I didn’t want to interrupt, but I couldn’t not address this, whatever it was. My girls hadn’t done anything wrong, or had they? But did she honestly think that she could call her girls over to her, all the way across the playground, and then whisper in their ears, literally right in front of us? And expect that we wouldn’t notice?
So, we approached her. “Excuse me, did you say something to your daughters about our daughters?”
Her (very defensively): “They’re not my daughters, they’re my sisters. And I didn’t say anything about your daughters.”
Us: “It seemed like you might have, because they were playing together and then you whispered something to them and now they’re ignoring our girls.”
Her (very defensively again): “I didn’t say anything about your daughters.”
Me: “We’d just like to know, because if our girls did anything they shouldn’t have, we’d like to talk to them.”
Her (very defensively again): “They didn’t do anything. I didn’t say anything about your daughters.”
Us: “It really seems like you might have. It’s okay if we want to have a conversation and try to understand each other.”
Her: “It’s none of your business what I tell my sisters.”
Us: “Okay, have a nice day.”
And we left. It was time for us to leave anyway. But this was also our second similar-ish encounter at that park. The first time, a little girl had been playing near our girls, and Elizabeth was climbing on equipment as she always does, and the girl yelled to us that Elizabeth wasn’t being safe. I told her she likes to climb and she knows when she’s safe and when she’s not. Which was fine, not a big deal. Then the girl’s mom asked me how old my girls were, and when I told her, the other person with her said, “Oh, I thought they were younger.” A minute later, the girl’s mom called to her that it was time to go to the store.
It didn’t immediately register with me that they might have been judging too. But looking back, I do wonder what the implication might have been when the other person said she thought they were younger. Did she simply think they looked young for their ages? Possibly. But did she have certain expectations about how kids their age should act, and my girls’ behavior didn’t match up? Also possibly. And was it truly coincidental that they had to leave at that moment? Again, possibly, but they hadn’t been at the playground for that long. It’s hard not to feel like there might be more going on.
My girls, especially my oldest, are definitely emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally behind their physical ages. It won’t be forever, I am fully confident. But trauma does that. They didn’t have a parent to hold them, rock them, sing to them, read to them, or even talk to them for those crucial first years of life, and that makes a big difference. My 9-year-old sometimes has full toddler meltdowns, not to mention the impulsivity and attention span of a toddler. My 8-year-old sometimes puts her hands in her mouth like a baby. Is it annoying, sure. Do I get embarrassed by it, absolutely. Yet, it’s my job to meet them where they are developmentally. They aren’t going to flip a switch and grow up overnight. They have to go through every developmental stage, just like every other kid. It just sucks that they couldn’t do it at the same time as their same-age peers.
So friends, please hold your judgment. We really have no idea what others are going through, what their backgrounds are, what the full story is. Just be kind, be understanding and empathetic, offer a smile and an encouraging word. See the good in everyone. Give a compliment. Let people know they’re doing the best they can.
And to the older sister at the park…I am truly sorry that you couldn’t be decent enough to be an honest human, and truly sorry you robbed your sisters of a chance to play with some really cool kids.
