32. Christian Beliefs I’ve Moved Away From: Belief 6

Belief: That being part of a church is required for your spiritual growth.

I wrote in an earlier post about how many special memories I have from growing up in the church. My church was so important to me growing up, that I decided to spend the first part of my career working for the church. And it was even still so important to me, that I met and bonded with my husband through our mutual interest in and passion for church work.

But I also know a lot of younger adults are less involved in churches than previous generations were. And I’ll be honest, I used to be really judgy of this, especially when I worked in the church.

Ryan and I both started our careers working in youth ministry in local churches. I worked in two different churches over a period of 5 years; he worked in his same home church for 9. After I left my second church, I was able to start attending with him for the first time since we’d been together, and quickly became involved in whatever I could get involved in (mostly children’s and youth ministry). Eventually, personal circumstances led us both to the decision that we were ready to be done with this season of our lives. Ryan got a new job and put his notice in at the church.

While the decision for him to stop working for the church was very much something we both wanted, I can’t pretend I wasn’t afraid of what the next season of our lives would look like. For the entirety of our relationship, this church had been a constant. So much in my life had been unstable and unpredictable over the last few years, that even though this church wasn’t all I’d hoped and dreamed, it was at least consistent. It was terrifying to imagine starting over somewhere new. I knew I didn’t have to force myself to find a new church right away, but at the time I had been struggling with feeling isolated for years. I was desperate to find somewhere that I felt I belonged.

Ryan’s last Sunday at the church was February 23, 2020. Little did we know that life was about to completely change for everyone over the next few weeks.

While Covid turned the world and lives upside down for so many, it was somewhat of a “blessing” to me because it invited me to slow down my panic about needing to find a new church and let the process move on its own. For a few weeks during Covid, we continued to tune in online to the church we had just left…kind of weaning ourselves away. We spent other Sundays exploring other options. And we spent some Sundays just sleeping in, making breakfast, going for walks, and enjoying the presence of God in each other’s company and the outdoors.

The longer we went without being committed to a church, the more space we had to process our experiences and think about what we actually wanted. On the one hand, I had such wonderful memories of growing up in the church myself, that I had always imagined recreating those memories with our children. But on the other hand, I was now realizing that there could be plenty of other ways to “do church” and be in community with others without being part of a formal church. But on another hand (if I had three hands), I was also longing to be part of something where I didn’t have to work so hard, where I could just feel welcomed and part of a community, where I didn’t have to be solely responsible for everything including my future kids’ experiences of God. And on a fourth hand, now that I was experiencing the freedom to be me and not conform to anyone else’s beliefs or expectations, I knew I was not willing to compromise that for any church. I knew I could go out and find a church tomorrow that was welcoming and where I could meet people, but if I was going to commit to a church, I wanted it to be something that aligned with my beliefs and values, where I could feel nurtured and poured into, and where I could be fully, authentically myself.

By the grace of God, we managed to find a church that has been all of that and more. I am so incredibly grateful. But if we hadn’t found our church, I am not sure where we’d be today. I am not sure that we’d be part of any church at all.

I’ve had a lot of conversations with several close friends who grew up in church but are not currently part of one. They still believe in God or some kind of higher power, but their current understandings of God are not understandings that they feel can be nurtured by a church. When I talk to these friends, inevitably at some point during the conversation I’ll say something about how much I love our church and how grateful I am to have found it. I’m not doing it because I’m trying to convince my friends to come there; I’m simply doing it because I want to share my joy and gratitude with my friends. My friends are very happy for me, but they’re not in the same place as I am with church. And that’s okay.

While I find joy and gratitude in my church community, my friends find joy and gratitude in their own ways. They tell me about books they’re reading that have helped them think about something meaningful to them in a new way. They tell me about uplifting conversations they’ve had with friends or mentors. They tell me about life giving experiences they’ve had this week and about what they’re doing to connect with themselves and the world around them. We talk about how we sense the presence of an Infinite being in ourselves and in our lives.

There could be many reasons why I am continually drawn back to church while some of my friends may not be. I’m an extrovert. I highly value community and people that I can regularly gather with and do life together without making much effort. And of course, church played such a positive role in my life growing up. But again, if I hadn’t found the church that we’ve found, I don’t know if we’d be part of a church or not. I would rather be part of no church or create my own type of “church” than be part of something just to be part of something.

When I worked in the church, I used to be so judgy of people who were “too picky” about what they were looking for from a church. I hated “church shoppers” and people who said they were looking for a church that “meets their needs.” I would be curious now to go back and learn more from these people I once judged so fiercely. Because as humans, we all have needs. We’re all looking to get our needs met, one way or another. And frankly, we all deserve to have our needs met. So maybe, when I’ve judged people for looking for a church to meet their needs, what I’ve judged was the fact that they had needs at all. Maybe because, at that time in my life, I was working so hard day in and day out to take care of other people and provide good “customer service” to the people in the church, while no one (including myself) was looking out for my needs.

Here’s what I do know, now that I’ve been part of a church I love for a year and a half: Every Sunday, I can’t wait to get up and get there. If I am out of town or can’t make it for other reasons, I still want to watch online. I want to be involved and give back to this place that has given so much to me. I feel like I belong even though I don’t feel like I’ve made much effort. I feel like people want me there as much as I want to be there. It is a life-giving, joyful community. I feel poured into. My values are supported. I can be authentically, fully myself.

Of course a church isn’t all about me, but I do believe more and more that it needs to be at least somewhat about me. It needs to be somewhere I feel a sense of belonging and being poured into. It needs to be a community I am excited and grateful to be part of. So many Christians, I feel, go to church out of obligation or guilt. They don’t really feel part of a community and they don’t feel that poured into. And that is why we have so much guilt, so much rule-following, so much obligation and judgment among the Christian community. When we are uplifted and nurtured and supported, we naturally thrive. When we don’t, we don’t thrive. We run on fumes. We get resentful that we’re getting up every Sunday even though we’re tired and have things to do, while others get the luxury of sleeping in or going to breakfast. And we judge those people. But is that really the best way to live? Are you happy living that way? Do you truly believe that “us” and “them” mentality is the life God wants for you?

So, if you don’t have a church that pours into you, why settle? Why not meet those needs for yourself in whatever ways you can? Maybe in time you’ll find a church you love, and maybe in the meantime you’ll create “church” in whatever ways you can - whether through a small group, a nature walk, an exercise routine, or stillness and reflection. And maybe you’ll never get back to church, and I am inclined to believe this is okay as long as you are feeling that connection to yourself, your social community, and the greater world in some way or another. Because God is present in all of that.

I am confident that God is present anywhere that we find a deep connection to ourselves and to the world around us. I am confident that God is present within each and every one of us and rejoices when we live in ways that are good for our unique needs. May you have awareness to know what your needs are and the courage to pursue them!