34. Christian Beliefs I’ve Moved Away From - Belief 8

Belief: That God expects unquestioning obedience.

When I was in college, I spent two summers as a camp counselor. As a brand-new adult, one thing that was great for my ego was giving a command and having the kids follow it. I would explain the rules of a game, and kids would listen. I would tell them when it was time to wrap up and activity and head to the next one, and they would do what I said. Sometimes I’d randomly invent the silliest game or song off the top of my head, and they would follow right along without question. I got so used to being idolized by these kids and having them jump at every opportunity to follow my lead. Except the one time that they didn’t.

One of the final weeks of the summer was “Grief Camp.” Kids who had experienced a loss could come to camp for free, be with other kids who had been through similar tragedies, and do therapeutic activities to help process their grief. I was working with the teenagers that week, and one of the girls in my group had tragically lost her boyfriend to suicide. This girl, along with some of her friends who had also come for the week, was unhappy to be there and didn’t cooperate well with activities. She remained aloof and uninterested in having a good time. And then one morning, she simply refused to get out of bed.

To be honest, this was a blow to my ego. Not just the refusal to get out of bed, but the entire attitude I’d experienced from this girl and her friends all week. I was used to kids worshipping the ground I walked on. I wasn’t equipped for someone who just flat out didn’t like me. Reflecting back now, I know this wasn’t about me. But in that situation, because of my own issues getting in the way, I wasn’t able to be there for her and the pain that was preventing her from getting out of bed that morning. No, I got angry with her for not listening. I blamed her for having a bad attitude and making the experience miserable for both of us. And when she finally did get up, I remained angry at her and kept my distance from her for the rest of the week.

I didn’t sit down with her and let her know that I was there for her in her pain. I didn’t tell her it was okay if she needed to take some time to grieve in her own way. I didn’t show empathy for the fact that she was at this camp that she didn’t even want to be at in the first place.

Instead of being present to the incredible grief she must be carrying, I could only see my wounded ego and the fact that she wasn’t listening. Instead of providing a supportive, comforting presence to this vulnerable person encased in self-protection, I added to her feeling of alienation. My own frustration and feeling of failure as a camp counselor outweighed the needs of the human right next to me.

The ego demands obedience.

Thankfully, God’s ego doesn’t need to be protected. This allows God to be fully present to us, day in and day out, in every painful experience that we go through. In every insecurity, every moment of grief and self-doubt, every act of self-destruction, God doesn’t take it personally when we “disobey.” God knows exactly what we’re going through and when we have a hard time doing what we need to do, even when that thing will be good for us. God sits beside us in support, love, and compassion through all of it.

I’ve heard that people often think about God in the same way that they think about their earthly parents. If you associate your view of God with that of a domineering parent, then it’s natural to think about God as an authority figure who demands obedience. I think that, like with all other things, this view of God should progress as we grow and mature. If you have young children, then of course it’s important to teach them to obey. This essential life skill allows people to be respectful of authority, helps keep them safe from danger, and teaches responsibility and concern for the well-being of others.

However, we all know that demand for obedience can go too far. We know that a parent who expects a child to comply with every little rule and demand will inevitably anger and alienate the child. This isn’t a helpful relationship to have with a parent, nor is it a helpful relationship to have with God.

As a child grows and matures, they ideally are allowed to exercise more control over their own lives. If a parent has taught them well, the parent’s values will stick with the child as they go out on their own. And ideally, the parent has not simply taught the child what to think, but how to critically examine multiple sides of an issue so they can navigate challenging situations and make decisions for themselves.

I fully believe God guides us in the same way. I believe there are basics about living as people of God that we should learn from an early age; for example, respect for other humans and the environment, practicing kindness, gratitude, and forgiveness, loving ourselves and others, and being honest. And from these basics, we gain a foundation to navigate life and all of its challenges. As adults, I believe God still provides support, love, and guidance like any loving parent should, but rejoices with us as we create our own lives.

And when we make mistakes, when we make decisions that are not good for us or others, of course there are natural consequences. But I don’t believe that God intentionally punishes or holds a grudge. I imagine God, in every act of “disobedience,” sits beside us to let us know we’re seen and loved no matter what. I imagine God feels my pain along with me and understands the anxiety, insecurity, fear, and grief that has led me to do what I’ve done. And God reminds me that I’m loved and that there will be an infinite number of wonderful opportunities for me. It’s a difficult process. There has never been a promise that any of it will be easy. But God is present beside and within us, always.

To imagine that God demands obedience implies that God has a specific plan. And as I mentioned a few posts ago, I don’t believe in this anymore. I don’t believe God has specific plans for our lives, but I do believe that we are all gifted in our own ways and thrive when we live into our gifts and passions.

If I had wanted to show God’s love to my grieving camper, I should have let go of my ego and the need for control. I should have sat beside her and invited her to do what she needed to do for herself that day. I should have let her know that it was okay for her to be human and that it wasn’t fair that she had to carry the burden she was carrying. I can’t take back that experience, but I can and have learned from it.

May you learn from my mistake as well, and may you show God’s radical grace and empathy to yourself and those you encounter.